Stealing Your Villain (A Batjokes Story)

2 - A Tough Decision

     Harley was out doing villain things as usual with her gal pal, Ivy. Ivy was trying out a new toxin that could make a plant grow three times its size. Although Harley claimed she was helping because "that's what friends do", she really just wanted an excuse to flirt with Ivy. The plant lady was a little ticked that Harley was just saying cheesy pick up lines and not helping, but she wasn't doing this alone like usual, so she didn't mind too much. Just as Harley was saying the especially corny line, "Girl, are you a rose? Because yah making me thorny~", she got a call from the Joker. She excused herself from Ivy to answer the call.

      "Hey, Mistah J! What's happenin?" Harley answered the phone.

    "Harley, I just got the greatest idea ever!" Joker excitedly told his co-worker/employee/bestie.

      "Why don't cha tell me, then? By the way, how did your balloon plan go?"

      "Awful. Batman didn't even show up until 3 hours later! But that's not the point. I was thinking... what if I just got a new enemy?" Joker suggested. Harley wasn't drinking anything, but at that moment she would've spit it out if she was.

      "A new enemy? You've been going after Bat-Boy for years now! You're just going to give up all that for what, a guy at the mall?" Harley gawked.

    "I'm not giving him up for a guy at the mall! I'll find another hero who actually cares about me! Heck, maybe I'll find one who actually has super powers this time!" Joker happily explained.

     "Really, like Superman?"

     "Oh, absolutely not, he's way too famous. Besides, he's too, uh, willing to kill."

     "So... Green Lantern?"

     "I'm pretty sure he only fights people with rings. He's kind of a home wrecker in that sense."

      "Blue Beetle?"

      "Too young."

       "Hawkgirl?"

        "Nah, have you seen that mace she carries around? I would not want to be hit by THAT."

       "Uhh... Arm-Fall-Off Man?"

       "Who?"

       "He's the only hero other than Matter Eater Lad that has, like, no main villain or scary qualities."

      "Wait, what was the other one you said?"

     "Matter Eater Lad?"

      "Yes! Him! What can you tell me about him?"

      "He's really lame and has this weird laugh. He's pretty cute, though."

     "Ooh, he's cute, huh? Does he have any powers?"

      "He has the ability to eat any form of matter. Eddie Nygma tells me that once he made him angry and he started to aggressively chew on a car tire."

       "He sounds... perfect. Do you know his number?"

      "I think Condiment King does. They tried fighting once, since they were too dumb for anyone else to fight."

       "Thanks, I'll call Buddy now!"

      Joker hung up the phone and practically squealed. After all these years, he finally had a new hero to fight. Not only that, but one with low expectations to boot! It was exciting to think about going out and fighting new people. Hopefully, this Matter Eater fellow wouldn't treat him like crap this time. The thought made him giddy. Now, he had to actually get his number. The Joker scrolled through his contacts, trying to find the Condiment King. Joker realized that this was the first time that Condiment King would actually be of use to him. When Joker found the contact, he dialed the number and pressed the phone to his ear.

       "Howdy, fella! How can I help you, Mister Joker?" Condiment King asked from the other end of the phone.

      "Hey, man. Listen, Harley Quinn was telling me that you knew this hero named 'Matter Eater Lad'. Could you give me his number by any chance?" Joker asked.

      "Sure thing! What for?"

      "I, uh, wanted to know if he wanted to fight me."

    "Gee, golly! What about Batman?"

     "Please, he has been such a jerk to me lately."

     "Well, in that case, could I fight him?"

      "Go ahead, bud."

      Condiment King thanked Joker and gave him the hero's number. Joker grabbed a sparkly pen near him and wrote the number on his arm, keeping his phone in between his ear and his shoulder. When the number was done being said, Joker thanked the Condiment King and hung up on him. Joker then tossed his phone to the side and fell back into his couch, kicking the air with excitement. He could finally get over Batman! Man, to think that he had spent all of these years obsessing over someone who couldn't care about him in the same way. Now that the Joker thought of it though, Batman used to make him his main focus out of all the villains. Before Catwoman, Penguin, Riddler, and all the other bad guys came to fight him, Batman always came to fight him, and he would spend more than two minutes doing so. While Joker really wished that they could make things work, Batman wasn't the type of person to talk to villains about his feelings. Hopefully this Matter Eater Lad could be willing to share his emotions, though.

      Just as Joker was about to call up the hero, he hesitated. His finger lingered over the "call" button. The clown, right before pressing the button, turned off her phone and placed it beside him. He figured that he should at least find out more about this hero before calling him. Joker picked the phone back up and Googled 'Matter Eater Lad'. There wasn't a lot of information about him since he was pretty unpopular, but from what he saw he was... sweet. Although Joker wasn't accustomed to "sweet" things, Matter Eater looked like he could be a nice change of pace. Finding out more about the hero gave Joker the courage to finally call the other.

Author's Note:

Sorry for the wait, guys! I hope the next one won't take as long, but I can't make any promises. Anyway, I hope you guys like it so far!