Achromatic petals

Over

I can't make any sound come from my mouth, i just sit there and stare into his deep, emerald green eyes. He stares back at me for a minute, he looks perfect; a few strands of his curly auburn hair falling from his hat, his eyes shining in the sunlight, his shaped and glossy lips, occasional freckles around his face. 

After a minute he broke the silence, "Cartman, what the fuck did you want to talk about?" He growled slightly as he spoke, i can hear the clear irritation in his voice. It was now or never i guess, i clear my throat and take another deep breath in.

"Kyle, I...I'm in love with you..." I said, looking down at the floor with embarrassment, i sat there ready to be rejected and hurt. He began laughing almost hysterically, thats when i felt my heart crack, it was so painful. 

"Nice Joke Fatass, like thats even possible!" He exclaims, stopping laughing after a while and looking at me, i felt my eyes tear up and i tried to hold back any tears.

"Kyle, i wasn't joking. You're one of the most important things to me and i get that you clearly don't feel the same way but i had to tell you, i know you don't feel the same way about a pathetic asshole like me. I just needed you to know that i've liked you since 4th grade and i started coughing flowers. It hurts Kyle, it really fucking hurts every time." I said, my voice cracking as the tears began to flow down my cheeks. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Cartman I-" He began to say but i cut him off, i didn't want to hear the words he would use to reject me.

"I know its not your fault, but it hurts. You don't have to say anything after this, in fact, you really shouldn't. I'm not going to be here much longer Kyle... i'm gonna stop the pain." I said, muttering the last part quietly. I wave to him and began walking away, he calls out to me and tries to get me to come back but i completely ignore him. I hear him start to follow me and so i walk as fast as i can back home.

As i walk back i feel my chest begin to tighten again. I need to cough. I'm almost home by the time I'm coughing, i don't care though and i walk into the house and straight to my room.  As i walk into my room, i cough violently all over the floor but ignore it. I sit at my desk and take out a pen and some paper. I had to write a note for my mom, incase she stumbled across it before she found my body. 

'To those reading this,

I'm not blaming anyone but myself for this, no one but myself caused this. I've been suffering with some sort of depression for about 4 years now, I've been coughing up flowers and blood for 5 years and i've been cutting for 2 years. I realise what a shitty person i've been to those around me and want to make it up to them but i know the only way to do that is to end my life. 

Mom, if you're reading this, i love you and i just want to tell you that you're amazing but i can't keep being such a burden to you. Everything you've done for me while i was alive i appreciate so much and I'm just sad i can't give anything back. Please don't mourn my death, forget about me once I'm gone.

For my friends who may find this, I'm sorry i've been so shitty to you for such a long time. I realise i can't make it up to you all and every time i try i just fail and end up hurting you more. 

Kyle, If you're reading this then please. Forgive me for being such an asshole to you for so long, I love you and even though you don't feel the same way, i'll love you even when I'm dead.

I'm sorry to anyone i've ever hurt but i'm glad i can make it up to you in some way.'

I finish writing the note then get up and take a pin, i walk to the bathroom then pin the note on the door before closing the door behind me and locking it. I reach for the cupboards and take my rusted, bloodied and stained razor from behind a few bottle of hair products. I slowly retrieve the razor and start running a bath, i take my phone from my pocket and turn on my music, its not too loud but i can still hear it over the running water.

__{Trigger warning: Self harm/suicide attempt}__

I wait till the bath is half full with Luke warm water before taking off my pants and jacket, leaving on my boxers though and then step inside the bath. The water isn't too hot but it isn't too cold either, i grip the razor tightly then bring my arms from the water. I hold the razor to my arms and begin carving into them deep, i begin writing all over my right arm 'Sorry.' The blood starts dripping down my arm slowly and the pain is sharp and agonising but i keep going until finally my arm has the word sorry scribed into it as much as possible, i then bring the razor to my wrist and begin cutting deep line into it, hoping to bleed out soon.

I do the same to my other arm, sloppily from the pain of my right arm being now both cut up and broken, but i manage to do it in the end. I drop the razor in the water and close my eyes, listening to the music as the blood flows from my arms and wrists. Soon i hear someone banging on the door  but i ignore it and soon pass out from blood loss. Finally i can leave this planet, finally i can leave the pain this world brought me and finally i can make it up to those i hurt.

__{POV switch to Kyle for once}__

That fucking fatass, how could he just do that. I've got to get to him before he does anything stupid. He must have gone home, right? I run down the street and then begin to see a trail of almost dried blood and red stained petals. I quickly get to his house though. 

I knock but no one answers, it shouldn't matter if i go in, just incase his life is in danger. The door is locked and so i open it gently and walk in, closing it behind me and then calling his name, waiting for a response but instead i'm greeted by silence except the very faint sound of music from above. I quickly rush up the stairs and swing open his bedroom door but i can't see anyone here and so i go towards the sound of music. 

The bathroom, its got a note stuck to it and so i begin to read but after the first few lines i forget about the rest and begin banging on the door.

"Cartman?! Answer me! PLEASE, ERIC ANSWER ME!?" I call out frantically but i get no reply, I start kicking on the door to open it up but soon realise my attempts are futile and i should just call an ambulance. I take out my phone and quickly call an ambulance, i explain what happening then they tell me they're sending someone out.

I go back to kicking at the door in hopes it would loosen but after a couple minutes with no luck i give up. 

"You better not be fucking dead, stupid fatass." I mutter to myself quietly and angrily, i'm pissed off at him for this, how could he do this? He's fucking stupid and i hate him so much but he can't die. Not now.

{Oops, just gonna leave this here for a while =) }