From Bad To Worse

1. Reminiscing

For my sister, Francesca -

You're now 6 years old and these past few years have just flown by. You mean a lot to me and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it when you're old enough.

Love you x

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I woke to my young daughter clinging to my arm, her small hands were cold on my neck. Her pale face was still stained with tears from the long night we had both had.

My other half, Jason, had left me a few days before, taking everything we owned including our happiness. She was too young to understand everything but she knew that once he left, bags packed and the keys to the car tightly clenched with his teeth, he wasn't planning on returning.

I brushed a piece of long ginger hair behind her ear and stared at her. Her lashes were long and her cheeks were freckled with innocence. She didn't deserve this.

I gently moved her hand on to the pillow so I could move without disturbing her slumber. She stirred slightly but didn't wake.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I had dark rings around my eyes, a sad combination of sleepless nights and stained mascara. I ruffled my dark hair and shoved my fringe back, studying the scars on my forehead.

Around five years ago, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and, when I heard the news, it was as if it immediately took affect. I began to throw things at the wall and I would look at myself with only hatred. I began to claw at my face and whisper insults to myself. The scars were still there, and so were the emotional marks left behind. It was about a year ago they 'fixed' me.

That time was the worst of my life. Jason had permanent custody of my daughter, April. Her face was what kept me sane. I saw her once a month and I'm still convinced it was that look in her eye, that look of pre fear towards me, that snapped me back in to reality.

I jumped in the shower and let the warm water run down my body, sending me to my happy place. To this day, I still worried that April would some day get schizophrenia and people would bully her or, even worse, she would bully herself. She doesn't deserve a mother like me. She needs someone with a delicate sense of nature and a heart as innocent as hers. I knew I could never give that to her, that hurt me a lot.

After my shower, I wrapped myself in an indigo towel and made my way back in to my room. She was still sleeping soundly, her cheeks had regained their naturally rosy glow which made me feel slightly better as I searched my closet for an outfit.

I didn't have work today. My boss, Charly, and I had become quite close. She had recovered from blood cancer a few months after my treatments had finished. When I began working again, she would comfort my worries by telling me how strong she had to be when going through chemotherapy. Once we had exchanged numbers, whenever I needed anything, she was always on the case.

It turned out that we had a lot in common and we discussed out experiences often. Once she heard of my breakup and I had explained to her how crushed April was, she allowed me a few weeks to sort myself out. I needed it but I knew they needed me at the office, however I knew working in this condition wasn't healthy. I reluctantly agreed and thanked her several times.

"Mummy?" I heard a young voice behind me. There sat my young one, rubbing her eyes. A sleepy look was still on her face, her pale beautiful face. She climbed over the bed sheets to where I was sat, at the end he of the bed. She touched my hand and held it tight.

"Yes, hun? Did you sleep okay?" I flashed her a half smile, although I knew she saw right through it. It would take us a while to get over this, I considered therapy for the two of us but it was too painful to even explain the situation, it would be like reliving it.

"Yes. Do I have school today?" She groaned, giving me a fake pained look. I chuckled honestly, only she could make that possible for me to do. Not many things make me happy anymore and April reminded me a lot of myself when I was her age.

"No, of course not. So we have he whole day to do whatever you want" I reassured her, she returned a cheeky smile. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Umm, could we go for a walk?" She asked, stroking her chin as if lost in thought.

"It's supposed to rain so maybe we should stick to doing things indoors" I advised. April loved the outdoors, especially our walks in the wood. We named it April's Forest because we would go there every day in summer before I became ill. That was one of the small things I missed the most.

"Okay, what about making a den!?" She said, she voice laced with enthusiasm.

"Alright then, let's go and get breakfast first okay?" I kissed her head as she nodded in agreement. She quickly tumbled off of the bed and hurriedly headed downstairs. I noticed my voice was still scratchy from crying all night. I winced at the memory of April and I curled in a tight ball on the sofa, going through one box of tissues to the next. It really tore us apart.

I shook it off and followed April down the stairs, throwing on my dressing gown to keep me warm, I had thrown on a black spaghetti strap top and some black leggings, I wasn't exactly in the mood for anything colourful today.

"Mummy, can we have pancakes?" I heard April giggle from the bottom of the stairs. I smiled and nodded as I watched her face form a truly, happy smile.

Let's make today fun! I thought. She needs a fun day, we both do.