I stained my hands with blood for you.

...

I achieved what I wanted.

You are coming back to Russia. I'm see your sad and your fear. I'm Pretending what I don't know why this is happening but it's a lie. I'm guilty for what you're feeling now. I stained my hands with blood for you.

"Viktor, are you okay?" - I'm asked you, but I know what are you are not okay. You are feeling pain. It because someone killed your love. It was me. But nobody won't know about it. I'm not gonna let that happen. Never...

"Yes, that's all right." - You are making a sad sigh and leaving. Your words is lie but I can't judge you. Because I'm lying too. I'm lying to police, my parents, for my friend, for you and even for myself.

I'm trying to convince myself that I did the right thing. But this is not true. If it isn't?

Every day I tell myself: "He made me pain when he leave me. I felt pain too. Can he hurt me and I can not do this to him?".

I understand what I made terrible action. I took the life of the human although I'm only sixteen. Conscience is torment to my soul but I continue to do autosuggestion. I'm rotting from the inside out, but does that make you understand me? I do not think so.

You quite don't notice me. You don't care about me. You are too immersed in your grief to notice me. But it's my fault.

However If I left Yuuri alive, you will continue to ignore me and my love for you. Becaude I know how how strong is your love for this worthless pig. And I killed him.

I still remember how I carried a knife over Yuuri. I remember his scared and miserable glance. I remember how the blade of a knife stuck in his chest. I remember his shout. He was lying on the floor and twitched in pain. I was so angry at there time that I did not think about my actions.

These memories pleases and scares me at the same time. They pleases me because there is no more of this pig that took you from me. They scares me because I have not completely lost my mind and I understand that I took life from a person. Once upon a time he was lived, in his lungs there was air, he walked on this earth and was happy with life, but I killed him and it's irreversible.

But I feel fear is more than enjoy.

Everyone noticed the changes in my behavior, all but you, of course. They say that I have become more quiet, sad and unsociable. They think that I was shocked that the murder happened so close to me. They think that I'm so strange because I think, that murder could kill me, but they are wrong. They do not know that everything is much worse. They do not know that I am a murderer.

Nobody suspects me because I have hidden all the evidence of my fault. I don't know how I could to do that. I thought that everyone would learn the truth right away, but this did not happen. Nobody even knows my motivation. I never told anyone that I love you. In fact, I had to a long time for accept this.

I feel so bad. I feel so disgusting. Guilt is killing me.

Before that, I almost never thought about my actions and I did the right thing? But now everything has changed. Did I do the right thing? No, no, no, and once again no, but I will still continue to console myself. I hated Katsuki and I still hate him, but I did not have to kill him, I could have come up with a different way, but I did not. Who is to blame for this? I, the hormones in my blood and you. Yes, you. I I felt love for you when looked into your beautiful blue eyes. I realized that I was ready for anything for you. Absolutely anything. Unfortunately.

You are walking pass me and my heart beats faster. Because I love you or because I worry. I don't know, I don't know anything. I know only that because of you I killed a human in just some in sixteen years old.

I love you, I love you madly, I want to admit it to you, but I can't. Although is there any sense? I know that you won't unlikely to reciprocate. Everything is so complicated.

I'm so disgusted with you and with myself.