Thursday came around slowly. Phil awoke with a jump, his heart practically launching from his chest. The air was crisp around his pale face. It greeted him as he opened his tired eyes, and took his body into a horribly cold state in which it shivered and shook uncontrollably. He'd been dreaming of Dan. Not just Dan, but today. Today. He was seeing Dan today. He sat up and tried to negotiate with relality. In the dream, he recalled terrible things happening. Terrible things such as his innocent day out with an old friend/best friend/brother/lover turning into hell. He remembered, though the memory was hazy, Dan standing in front of him, the deep fire in his eyes put out, and his glowing, radiant skin dull and dead. He was dead but his shell remained. Dead but living, but not alive. Was this perhaps, a metaphor for reality?
Phil reached over to his bedside table and put on his glasses, stretching. Nerves rattled around inside him- he had to get up, there was no way he could stay lying there. He went to fix some breakfast and lost focus whilst pouring the milk on his cereal. It leaked all down his pyjamas and he sighed, mopping himself with a damp dish cloth.
Meanwhile, Dan was still soundly asleep, his chest inflating and deflating to the rhythm of his deep, peaceful breaths. His phone buzzed loudly next to him which caused him to sit up with a start. He peered at the front screen, it read:
"Phil Lester: Are you still coming today? Please come Dan I need to see you."
It hadn't yet occurred to Dan in the five seconds he'd been awake that he was meeting Phil today, hence why he'd slept in later than he originally anticipated. He picked up the phone and replied:
"yeah sure ofc w/e, see you at like 12"
He pressed send, then read his text back. It wasn't often that he properly analysed his writing- he was an internet person who found it natural to share just about anything online- but he read back the text wondering.
Did it sound too blunt? Did he not sound enthusiastic enough? What if Phil thought he didn't want to come- which a small part of him didn't- he knew he'd want to stay with Phil forever but he had Madeleine now. Why did he care so much? He always typed in that way, making no use of punctuation for breaths. He was definitely overthinking. He hesitated before getting up. He brushed Madeleine's dark hair from her sleeping face. She was so beautiful, he was attracted to her- no he was attracted to her face. Not to her. He kissed her cheek, glancing back at her. What if.. What if that was the last time he'd see her? He could always just stay with Phil now. That's what he wanted. That's what they both wanted but- Dan couldn't leave Madeleine. How was he going to explain to her that his old best friend was actually the person he'd truly loved since the day they met? He wouldn't explain to her. He wouldn't have to. He was going to innocently meet a friend for coffee. Talk things over. He wasn't going to live back with Phil. He couldn't. He wanted to but.. He couldn't. He got up and ate and then dressed himself, sighing at the mirror. He left the house and caught a cab to China town. It was so strange seeing all the places that once upon a time were in walking distance from his house. It was like every place held it's own memory. Memories that were never significant or large, but little memories. That's what Dan missed, just the little things.
He stepped out of the cab, his breath quickening slightly. They hadn't even arranged a specific place to meet. They just knew.
Dan sat on a bench outside a sushi bar. The town was so familiar, due to the thousands of outings the boys had taken round there- yet something was different. Not the shops, or the layout or anything physical. He just wasn't with phil yet.
Not until around 5 minutes later. Dan caught a glimpse of Phil and an urge of love, lust and sensation hit him like a bus. Every feeling he'd ever had from him came back, stronger than ever. He felt weak, yet strangely emotional- like he wanted to break into floods of tears. Phil looked slightly withdrawn and until he locked eyes with Dan. His neutral expression morphed into a beautiful, ecstatic smile- that special smile that would only show through when he saw Dan. His cornflower eyes shone, catching the light and gleaming like stars. He approached him, hands in pockets and stood directly in front of him. Nothing was said for a good ten seconds. It wasn't awkward. It was just as if they needed to catch up on three years of not looking at eachother properly, and therefore they stared at one another, taking in every inch of eachother until Dan stood up from the bench and said:
"Phil!"
Phil couldn't hold back. Dan had always been cringed out at the thought of showing romance in public but he didn't stop Phil as he threw his arms around his shoulders and hugged him tight. They were falling in love all over again.
Phil breathed in Dan's scent as he rested his head in the pit of his neck.
"I've missed you so much. You don't understand."
Dan sniffed. He did understand. There wasn't a day went by where he didn't think about Phil.
"Let's go for coffee?"
"Sure." Said Dan, and they walked away to a nearby cafe.
Phil pulled out a chair for Dan and ordered drinks. A sense of awkwardness filled the air, a side effect of not seeing eachother for such a long time. The tension rose and stung like a bee, but dropped immediately when Phil looked deeply into Dan's chocolate coated eyes and said, with a gentle rasp:
"I'm so sorry."
"What.." Dan replied, feeling uncomfortable knowing he had a girlfriend back home yet he was practically in touching distance of the person he truly loved with every bone. He wanted to touch every inch of Phil, to remind himself of the beauty of their old times.
"I.. Shouldn't have blanked you out for so long. The truth is, I didn't want to spoil your relationship with Maddy- I know she's important to you, but despite not physically talking to you I literally think about you everyday. It's driving me nuts Dan. It's.. It's like you're everywhere around me. I can't rid of your presence.."
"I'm not dead." Dan interrupted.
"I know but I can't explain it in any other way. There's nothing I'd ever want more than to be with you again.
I'm so stupid." Phil's head dropped, facing the floor. Dan pushed his chin up making him look at him straight in the face again.
"Philip Michael Lester. You are not stupid. You're an overly intelligent nerd. It's difficult for me too. Maddy.. She's.. Nice. But honestly.. She doesn't compare to you." The corners of Phil's lips twitched into a tiny smile.
"Then come back with me. Come live in our old appartment. Let's make it like it used to be." Phil's tone suddenly became assertive, but still gentle as always.
"Phil.. You don't understand okay. Of course I love you. I always will.. But.." Dan shook his head, tongue tied. "But.. I couldn't leave Madeleine like that."
"Come this way." Phil stood up and paid for the drinks quickly. He marched towards the door and Dan jogged up behind him. Phil approached a tight alley way, leading to an old, empty, misused car park that was strangely open and desolate.
"Phil what are you-"
Dan was cut off by Phil as he pushed him against a brick wall. He cupped Dan's soft face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. His skin was perfectly smooth and pure. He leant towards him further and delicately pressed his lips onto Dan's, closing his eyes. He locked his mouth with Dan's, fitting perfectly onto his rosy lips. Dan's hands wrapped around Phil's waist, pulling him in closer. Everything was so natural, fitting together perfectly like a jigsaw. Phil's lips were lusciously sweet and plump, interlocking with Dan's Cupid Bow lip line. Every time their lips touched, Phil moved inwards, pushing Dan's tall form into the brick wall behind them. Dan grew gradually more breathless as Phil's chest forced upon his own.
No. He couldn't do it any longer.
"Phil, no." Dan said, his tone deep and breathy. He grabbed Phil's shoulders and forced him away.
Phil caught his eyes. They were filled with regret.
"I can't do this to Maddy, I have to go." Dan started to quickly walk away until Phil caught his arm.
"Dan, what are you doing?" His eyes became filled with tears. "You can't go!"
"Bye, Phil." Dan sniffed. Phil was left standing on his own, surrounded by nothing but the cold wind that blew against his tall frame. Alone. Isolated once again.
