kawaakari

1.0

sleep isn't just sleep anymore. it's an escape.

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sometimes i can feel the monster inside me try to claw its way out.

it scratches my heart. it scratches my spine. it scratches my head.

my heart aches. i can't move. i can't think.

when i look outside, i'm envious of those who can at least put a smile on their face, fake or genuinely. i'm envious of those who have someone to hug them when they feel like shit.

all i've been doing for the past five hours is ignore my mother's knocks on my door, and staring out the window hollowly. i've seen the leaves fall one by one, just like how my attempts of being happy have. children chasing each other at the park. all i can do is chase my monster away.

and even if it does leave, it always comes back

i got up and fall onto my bed, staring at the white ceiling. my stomach growls, but at this time i could honestly care less. i hear the distant footsteps of my mother coming up the stairs again, probably trying to get me to drink some of her poorly made chicken soup. just as i predicted, i hear my mother's bony hand tapping on my door.

knock knock

"honey! it's time to come down for dinner. let me come in to know that you're alright."

"..."

"go away, mom."

"honey, you've been in your room since lunch, and you barely ate anything."

yeah since you yelled at me for wanting to chase the wrong dreams, i've been feeling nothing but shit. maybe if you didn't chuck your chopsticks at my head, i would've finished eating instead of running upstairs.

"..."

"i'm sorry, okay, honey?"

you say that every day.

"give me a few more minutes then."

i say that every day.

"fine...you're wasting my time." i hear her snort, before she goes back downstairs.

yup that's basically what i am to everyone.

a waste of time.

i sigh, and fall into a deep sleep.

                 ---------------------------------------------------

i close my eyes as i let my voice fly out and fly free. i sway to the rhythm of the percussion in the background. lights are dimly lit behind me as i sing passionately to the words of the song. songs about racism, about mental health, about happiness, about dreams. i hum to the lovely instrumentals of the piano as its keys resonate through the stage.

i open my eyes as they sparkle at the overhead lights. i see the audience singing along with me as i pour out my emotions into every single line of music. i see a wave of arms slowly waving in the air as people sway to the tune. i smile brightly and sing with more power. the song ends and the audience is clapping and whistling. my ears tune out their cheers as the background is engulfed with a deaf silence. warm and happy tears flow down my cheeks and glisten in the spotlight.

this is what i want.

this is my dream.

for people to hear my voice. for people to hear my words to the world. that's what i always dreamed about.

suddenly, one person in the audience screams. the ceilings cave in and start crumbling. Large pieces of boulder fall on people, one by one. i look up. a bright light comes closer in my vision.

---------------------------------------------------

"you fell asleep again." i wake up to the disappointed tone of my mother.

i glance briefly at the blurry towering figure over me, then took a glimpse at the time. i've only been asleep for an hour or so. my mother doesn't try to conceal her utter disbelief.

"you're always sleeping and doing nothing, when will you ever try to become a better person? go downstairs and eat. i don't care." she tuts and leaves my room, slamming the door in the process.

it's like the spotlight i always wanted pointed at me is suddenly in my mom's eyes. the pressure's on me to become the person she wants me to be, not what i want to be.

guess i got to live with this for now.

--

can i flow for endless nights?