Sherlock: Lover Mine [Book II]

Sherlock's Addictions [Susanna]

~Two Weeks Later~

"Susanna..." Sherlock calls from the desk where he's been researching who knows what on the internet for the past week or so. I look up from my book at him and smile lightly.

"Yes?"

"I have been doing a study into why I've been exceptionally more affectionate than I predicted." My eyebrows lift and I mark my place in the book.

"And?" He looks at me and I catch a spark of muted anxiety in his eyes. So I stand up and walk over to him, "Sherlock, what is it?"

"Based on my observations and my subsequent research, it would appear that I have become highly receptive to spikes in Oxytocin that are caused when affection, particularly of the physical sort, is shown or received." I giggle.

"That's why Oxytocin is called the Cuddle Drug." I comment. Sherlock nods.

"The Oxytocin releases more and more of the hormone Dopamine into my system," He turns in his chair and cards his hands through his thick curls, "Thus, Oxytocin triggers the pleasure receptors like alcohol or drugs do. Summed up, I have developed a susceptibility to affection-"

"Because it makes you feel happy?" I watch his reaction. Sherlock nods slowly, his expression guarded, and I exhale, "Sherlock, there's more that's bothering you. What is it?" I place one hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. He inhales sharply.

"It's addictive, Susanna! And believe me, I know what addiction feels like." Sherlock stands up and walks to the coals in the fireplace, where he roots around the cinders until he produces an unopened box of cigarettes, a half-full box of nicotine patches, and another small black box. He holds them up for me to see more clearly and I quickly snatch them away. The detective wilts under a shroud of shame.

"Sherlock,.." I sigh sadly and look up at him, "When was the last time you used these?" He pressed his lips together, fighting back the shining tears beginning to swell up in his eyes.

"After Mary Watson died." I inhale.

"So you've not used these in months?"

"I promised John that I would stop using after we exposed Culverton Smith. But I almost broke that vow."

"When?" His eyes, becoming red and watery, fixed on me.

"When Brent Hatfield abducted you. I couldn't enter my mind palace and figure out the puzzle, so I tried to use the drugs to help me think."

"Why did you get into these, Sherlock?" He clenches his fists and I level him with one look, "Sherlock."

"Because they provided me with a distraction! My brain is constantly running and without stimulation, I get bored. They also helped me open more doors in my mind palace during complex cases."

"At what cost, Sherlock?! These are only temporary remedies with horrendous effects that will destroy your body and your health! That includes your brain, Sherlock, which I'm sure you prefer to keep in prime condition for your cases!" I chastise. Sherlock shrinks away from me and I take a deep breath, "Sherlock."

"What?"

"You haven't used these in months? You're clean and sober?" I probe. He nods.

"John can attest to it," I nod. He's not lying. Sherlock takes one step towards me, "Susanna."

"Were you going to try and hide these from me and John and Missus Hudson?"

"They know where I usually hide them."

"And I don't." I tsk. Sherlock darkens with guilt again.

"Susanna, I know that I should have told you before we started courting, but I promise that I have not used these in months! I haven't even wanted to use since I realized my sentiment for you!"

"Sherlock,.." I fade off, sighing as my heart starts aching for him. He is not lying and I know that if he didn't care, he wouldn't have brought any of this up. He could have easily continued to hide it from me, "You have to get rid of these, Sherlock. Even if you don't want them now, just having them easily accessible is setting yourself up for failure. And this failure could kill you."

His features fall, "I know." I shake my head, staring at the drugs in my hands before returning my gaze to him.

"I-"

"Please don't leave me, Susanna." Sherlock cuts off, "Please." He begs, bracing himself for what could be a justifiable breakup.

"Sherlock, while I don't approve of your past drug use and how you hid it from me, I am not going to leave you when I know that this is difficult for you. You could have kept it from me for years, and yet you decided to tell me and show me. That, Sherlock, takes courage, a sincere desire to change, and trust." I set the drugs on the desk and walk over to Sherlock. I open my arms and he immediately comes in for a tight embrace.

"So you're not... angry?"

"I'm upset that you didn't tell me earlier, but it's not my place to be your judge. I'm your girlfriend and I'm here to help you," I wrap one arm around his neck and pull him down to whisper in his ear, "You're not a knight in shining armor, Sherlock. But just because your armor is beaten up, tarnished, and imperfect, doesn't mean that you're not worth it. It just shows that you've been through life, at it's best and worst, and come through it. Knights in Shining Armor haven't." He squeezes his arms around me and rests his head in the crook of my neck. I feel a couple small tears against my skin and he gives a raspy breath.

"Thank you, Susanna." I smile and run my fingers through his curls.

"You're welcome, Sherlock," We stand like this for several minutes at least until I remember what started the conversation in the first place, "So,.. all this because you're worried about becoming addicted to the Oxytocin highs you get when we are affectionate with each other?"

Sherlock permits a brief grunt, "I fear I already am."

"Well then, I can't say that I can help all that much with the Cuddling Drug. I'm a user too."

This causes us both to break into laughter and he lifts his head, locking lips with me. He's not a perfect person, but he's mine.

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