my anxiety has gotten so bad the past few weeks.
i am afraid to leave my house.
i am afraid to message f'n my boyfriend because i feel he doesn't want to talk to me or doesn't like me. i feel the same for my friends.
i want to tell them but i don't want it to be all about me.
i'm so scared all the time.
i'm afraid of the dark
i'm afraid of being alone
i'm afraid of crowds
recently more thoughts have been entering my head and they're not good.
i saw a pill bottle and the only thing i could imagine was downing it right there.
i'm so visual sometimes it's scary and when i try to explain it people try to say they do it too but they never get if right.
as i speak i can see the words.
as i hear voices or sounds i can see the color.
when i dream i can see it all happening i'm such realistic detail it's hard to remember its a dream making nightmares so much worse.
i associate colors with words.
i imagine future situations in such immense detail i count to see what i got right.
even as you read this i'm sure you're trying to relate or say everyone does it but if you tell me in real life i'll be too afraid to tell you that it's different.
it makes me feel more deeply it makes me try to jump in other peoples shoes. i cried when i saw 14 seconds of an animal abuse video. i cried and cried for two hours because all i could feel was the pain that dog did.
he was a living creature he doesn't deserve that.
no one deserves that.
i wish i could rant more but there's so much it's hard to put it all down without feeling like a burden.
