Dream boat

An unreachable future

I'm walking. I don't know where to I just know I'm walking in the rain with an umbrella. A borrowed umbrella. It's textured handle feeling familiar and comforting in my palm. From the corner of my eye I can see him walking slightly behind me. I don't want to notice him. I can't notice him. Could I handle it if I did? I keep walking. I keep pretending I don't see. But things have a way of catching up on you. He pounces. I scream. The umbrella drops. Silence....

Laughter. It's been so long since I had that laugh. Such a musical laugh, warming from the inside out. A laugh I had missed sounded by a voice I had missed ... coming from a person... I had missed.... Tears mist my eyes as I look towards the source. The slanty eyed offender looks down at me, his smile reaching all corners of his face. I can't help myself and rush to hug him. Rush to the scent and warmth that I had missed. His warmth burning away all guilt at the fact I probably shouldn't be doing this or feeling this way. But it felt like home. After almost two long years I was finally home.
He made no move to push me away so I made no move to leave, just wallowing in his embrace. Memories of our time before cloud my mind and force a storm of emotions to wash over me. Torrents of tears stream down my cheeks as I press my face into his chest trying to hide, a mix of delayed regret and happiness.
Something I'd been fighting to keep secret could be read easily from my actions and I could do nothing about it, nor did I want to. The voices of mutual friends forced us apart. Calling over to us to join them. Making our way over, he takes my hand and just like that it's like old times again.

Hours we spend in each other's presence, our friends just comforting background noise. Lettuce heads and cow jokes being thrown around like nothing ever changed and for the first time in a very long time I feel truly at peace. I shouldn't but I do. It's wrong but I can't help it. Here is where it's always been, my heart, and for a while I had abandoned it but now I felt whole again.
We move.
We're alone.
Together.
At a table.
Talking.
'I know this is a conversation you most likely don't want to have but it's imperative we do...'
He's right. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to face the reality. But in his eyes there is no fear. An almost smug arrogance as though he already knows the outcome. And I don't blame him. I'd be the same in his position.
We talk and tal- well he talks, I listen and think and answer and listen and think and answer where it's appropriate.
'If you aren't happy, you know what to do. There's a difference to being with him, and being with me. Isn't there?' He says it more as a statement than a question, an adorably smug smile crossing his face as he says it. And despite everything I know it to be true. I know what i must do. I nod in silence just watching as he comes round the table and embraces me. I am swallowed by his warmth. By his scent. By the feel of his arms around me and me against his chest. I am swallowed by him as everything and everyone around me fade to black