Forward

Chapter 1:

"Why do you do it?", Mrs.Stevens asked, crossing her legs on her brown recliner. She clicked her pen over and over, eager for an answer.

I shrugged my shoulders which put a pleading look on her face.

"Why not?", I replied.

"It's not good for you, Alex.", she said, "You know that, right?"

"That's the point," I said, "to hurt myself."

"Why do you want to hurt yourself?", she kept her eyes locked on mine, but I stared at a stain on the rug.

"I hate myself," I said, "so I cut myself. Its simple. I don't see why its a big deal, it's my body; therefore I can do whatever I want to it."

"Hurting yourself won't get you anywhere in life.", she said.

"I don't even want to live.", I said.

"Don't say that.", she said.

I ignored her and continued to stare at the stain on the rug. It was a purplish color, wine maybe? Or grape juice.

"Alex.", she said, "I want to help you."

"I don't need your help," I spit, "I don't need anyone's help. Why can't people just leave me alone, let me solve my own problems?"

"Are you really trying to solve your own problems?", she said. And I don't know why, but that statement hit me, hard.

Without hesitation, I got up from the leather sofa and walked out the door. It was cold, and raining, but I really didn't care. I needed to clear my head.

I hated everything, everybody. I hated Mrs.Stevens, I hated my mom for making me see her every week, I hated my dad, I hated the kids at school, I hated my siblings for thinking I'm a freak, and most of all;I hated myself.

I put up my hood, stuck my hands in my sweatshirt pocket, and walked across town. I wasn't really sure where I was going, though. My parents thought I was still at therapy, and I'm not supposed to be home for another 2 hours. Maybe Mrs.Stevens would call them and tell them I left, hopefully she wouldn't. I needed some time to myself, just to wander without having to talk to anyone. Lately, talking took way too much energy.

I could go to the park, and just sit on the bench. Yes, I would do that. It was just a few blocks away, and that's the last place my parents would go looking for me.

Walking through the streets of my town, I realized there was a lot of memories everywhere I looked. Mostly bad ones. I past the water tower, which is where I tried to commit suicide 4 times. I never got to jump off though, because some obnoxious person pried me off every time.

Then, I past an alley between these two bakeries. I remembered exactly what happened in that alley. It was in the 8th grade, and my friend texted me to meet him there. So, being the idiot I was, I did. I waited there till he finally came, but he brought a couple of his friends. Basically, I almost got raped and I was beaten severely.

Maybe I shouldn't try to think about all these memories, I was losing focus and I grew angry.

Finally, I reached the park, where it was completely empty. I was actually grateful it was raining, because I really didn't want to be pestered by little kids running all around me.

I found a bench that wasn't soaked with water, and I sat down, relaxed. I closed my eyes and I suddenly realized I was crying. Why was I crying? I let out a sigh and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. My head was throbbing, and I felt really overwhelmed.