Keep My Heart Alive

Chapter One

1999

Going to a new school is always scary. More so to a private school. School in general actually, is a very scary place. Still, I walked in with my new, shiny, black shoes. I could feel the the scratchiness of my polyester uniform on my thighs, and only my thighs, because although it was a full-length dress that reached my lanky ankles, knee high white socks covered my calves. My standard uniform shirt— the whitest it would ever be on the first day of school. My ponytail brushed so tight, my eyes look smaller than they were.

Earlier that morning, I had gladly posed for a picture in my living room with my backpack slung over my shoulder and my bible, that had been a requirement, clutched between my two small hands.

"Today is the first day of the third grade" I had thought to myself, "I'm big."

Yet, walking into that church, with all eyes on me I felt small.

Curious eyes all on me, as if I had somehow infiltrated something private and sacred. I kept my head down and walked to sit next to my best friend I knew from church. She giggled and wildly gestured for me to go sit next to her. The morning service began, with the principal and also pastor, leading us with a prayer and a small sermon. I liked it.

I walked shyly with Minnie to our class. Apparently, there were only three classrooms. One for pre-k students, another with us, and then the really big kids. There were probably only 40 students in the whole school, a certain intimacy that was foreign to me resided between all the students and teachers.

I wasn't the only new student, another boy named Alex accompanied me as well for introductions in front of the class. Alex was cute was my one and only thought I had at that moment.

"Everyone, these are our new students Alex Foster and Charlize Lauder." Shouted Sister Mavis over the slight chatter that had developed since we had walked in.

I noticed right off how boys dominated classroom population by a very large margin. In fact, Minnie and I were the only girls compared to the eight boys that looked at me with rude gazes because unfortunately for them I was not pretty whatsoever. Neither was Minnie, she was borderline a boy but you couldn't blame her considering the environment she had grown up in.

"Anything you'd like to share with the class?" Sister Mavis asked Alex and I.

I shook my head but Alex being the obnoxious third grade boy that he was simply said "I'm cool." — and somehow people believed him.

Growing up in such a hostile environment where favoritism and familial politics ran rampant left me with a few choices of the person I needed to be. You see, Bishop Prep was the kind of place where everyone was related both in the church and school. There was clans and cliques that involved everyone and I was somewhat of an outsider. Maybe I wasn't an outsider in an obvious way because at the end of the day this was a religious school, yet I always felt like something was wrong with me in some way and there really was. Kids were mean and I was probably meant to play the kind of role that accepted that kind of treatment and sat alone in the corner, but, I wasn't. I became something entirely the opposite with my wild, untamed, persona. People didn't like that and I didn't necessarily care. I was bullied but I can't say that that I was an innocent victim. In Bishop Prep the majority ruled and the majority were sons of bitches but I was still a cunt when I got the chance and that really pissed them off.