Keep My Heart Alive

Chapter Three

2002

Crushes were only fabulous when returned.

In a school as small as this one there were very few boys to choose from to have crushes on. I'd already crushed on Alex, Ricky, and Fabian and all left my tiny heart shattered without a cause. But Alan was different. Alan Schulz was Sister Mavis's nephew but practically his mother since his actual mother passed away four years ago. Liking Alan Schulz could very well mean my ass at the bottom of this schools food chain again.

Still, our flirty banter was sweet and innocent. We were oblivious middle schoolers that liked to tease each other and have silent staring contests when no one was looking that would always end with blushes and smiles.

Alan wasn't even cute by any standards. He was fairly tall for a seventh grader. He was kinda tan, and as lanky as they come with his limbs too long for his body. His teeth were crooked, his hair was nothing to write home about. In fact, his hair could be compared to an ad for gel with all the product he used. The thinest lips you'd ever seen and crooked teeth too. A small crevice on cheek indicated a past scar.

Still, I was smitten.

At this point my family and I had established ourselves at Bishop and my father was even on the board of directors. This meant I was no longer an outsider. I felt so privileged to no longer be seen as such a loser. Then, it all came crumbling down.

My family decided that due to the undeniable corruption that existed within Bishop we would stop attending church there and I would stop attending Bishop Prep as well. I didn't understand I has just made something of myself and suddenly all of that was going down the drain because my parents were on some kind of moral crusade?

The reverend gave us a very public goodbye and as I said goodbye to people I actually cried because after being here for five years, sheltered from the world that was more open about sin, I was going to be thrown back in, and for the first time have to make decisions with no one to judge.

That last day I remember shaking Alan's hand and looking him straight in the eye. He mumbled a swift "God bless you," and I'd offered him a small smile. I walked away with my dad and it may just be in my head but I recall looking back and him looking at me walk away and I'd felt so devastated, so crushed, lost.

Depression followed me like a plague after this. I felt alone. For the rest of my middle school years I was forced to wear skirts to public school. Bullies couldn't keep their goddamn mouths shut and once again I felt the need for erratic behavior. I didn't have friends, just people I sat with at lunch. Then, it was like the last shred of hope I had fell away when I realized everyone was perfectly fine and moving on except for me.

I listened to punk rock and hurt myself which was probably over dramatic but I couldn't help it my loneliness over shadowed every good thing in my life.

I literally begged to not have to wear skirts to school but they never changed their minds and I didn't have a single pair of jeans.