Dear God,
My anger has been getting the best of me. For more reasons than one. My teacher seems to be completely against me, my nightmares have come back worse than what they were before, and i relapsed. I'm actually afraid to go to sleep again. After all these years i thought i was finally getting better but now i don’t even know what to do with myself. Music is my only salvation it seems. I just want to get better so i result to telling my story. Let's start way back when i was innocent and carefree; Happy.
I’ve never known my dad. So it was always my mom, grandma, and siblings. Before we moved in with my grandmother we lived in an apartment in a little town. We knew a lot of people in the apartment complex so we always had something to do. My mom worked three jobs so we would barely see her and even though i was so young at the time the memories never seem to escape me. We had babysitters that made us fight each other. Everytime they came to watch us we’d always end up fighting each other. They even let us use weapons. My sister chose a vacuum cleaner as her weapon once and ran over my adolescent feet. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and i couldn't keep from crying. Another babysitter was my youngest brother’s father. I guess we did something bad, something to piss him off because he turned his abusive hand to us. He made us pull our pants and underwear down and he beat us until marks scattered our legs. We cried for hours; nothing could consol us. My cousin saw our marks and told our mother but there was nothing she could do because she was also a victim of his abuse. We grew up watching our mother get beat by him. Babysitters can cause trauma that last a lifetime. One babysitter i will never forget. Her name was Frezzy. At least that’s what we called her. She had a son named Isaac. We barely knew him. All i can really remember is that he was a lot older than us and looked exactly like his mother. We all decided to play a game one day; hide and seek. My older brother was the one who was it and the rest of us had to hide. I ran to my sister and i’s closet and hid there. I heard footsteps and thought that i was about to get caught and be it. I never would have thought then that that would have been better than what actually happened. Isaac entered the closet and me being the innocent child that i was i told him to hurry up and get in before my brother saw and tagged us. He came in and sat down beside me and started to ask me questions. I don’t remember them exactly but they were just random questions. Then he came out of nowhere and asked me if i could touch him. I didn’t understand what he meant and i told him that. So he grabbed my hand and placed it on his private parts. I didn’t know what to do so i just stayed quiet wanting to forget what was happening at the very same time it was happening. He even asked me to put my mouth on it but i was scared, i started crying quietly. I don’t even know why. I just got upset not knowing what to do.After what seemed like forever i heard my mother calling for all of us asking where we were. The relief in my heart was so welcomed as he left fast as hell. Watching him leave like that, i realised what happened was wrong. That was the first time i thought to myself that it was my fault and i should have stopped it. The first time i felt hate for myself. I would never trust another person’s intentions ever again
