No matter how sad my story is i guess i got a little better. I finally saw my mom’s true colors. I finally realised that blood is not thicker than water and that no one can be trusted. No one deserves anything from me. No one will ever get close to me again and with that no one can ever be hurt by me. I actually understood this when my mother was told that she had to get me a therapist or i would be taken away. She looked into a church therapist and when she explained why it was more about me being a lesbian rather than me wanting to kill myself. I never got help though. I never had the opportunity to talk to someone. Everything was bottled up in a cracked bottle that was ready to explode at any second. That bottle finally exploded when my mother and her boyfriend told me that they knew what was happening all along. That they just didn’t know what to do. That bottle shattered and so did my heart. My anger tore me apart. I hated everyone and all the happy moments of my life disappeared in my anger. The most hated person at the center of all of this was myself. I realised that i would always hate myself for everything that i allowed to happen. I decided to find a way out. Starting with the man that had caused so much pain in my family. My mother’s boyfriend. I started being defiant with anything they said and when they confronted me i would throw what i've been through in their faces. They had a debt they could never repay. And i would push the cost for as long as i could. Who would've thought that one day i would regret it. The day that he blew up i ran away bruised and hurting. My twin came looking for me and found me down the road having a panic attack ready to give everything up. I had texted a friend and told them to come get me because i didn’t want to go home. Him and his family pulled up at the same time that my mom and her boyfriend did. I got in their truck while they tried to talk to my mom. My friend’s mom kept trying to calm me down but i couldn’t be consoled. I couldn’t move my arm and i was in pain. All i could think about was how i couldn’t pitch and play softball again. How i would be letting my team down. I was snapped out of my thoughts when my mom came up to the window yelling at me. Telling me she hated me and how i was so ungrateful. And how i would always remember this. She said it in a way that sounded like she was threatening. She also told me how my younger siblings were home crying because of me. She started walking away and going home still yelling curses at me. The feeling of wanting to die had never been so high. I didn’t want to breathe another day. My mother chose a man over her kids. I went back to my friend’s house and stayed the night. The next day i went to school my eyes were red from the constant feeling of wanting to cry. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong. And it just made me want to cry even more. The principal came and asked me what was wrong. He was my school dad. If there was ever a time where i wanted someone to be my dad it would always have been him. I broke down crying and he hugged me telling me it was going to be ok. He saw my bruises and immediately contacted social services. I had never liked them but at that moment i didn’t even care. From as far back as i can remember they had always been involved in my life. But i had always protected my mother by lying to them so that we wouldn’t get taken away. When they got there they asked me what happened. I told them and they made it to were we couldn’t have any contact with my mom’s boyfriend. All of my mom’s kids had to stay away from him so we stayed at my grandma’s house. It seemed like it was just like the old days. However my mom looked at me like i had ruined her life. I was 16 so she was stuck with me. She also had a decision to make. She had to choose letting us all go or go back to her boyfriend. I feel like she chose us because she wanted to look good. He wouldn’t leave our house so we moved to Columbia. We moved in with my godmother first. But she kicked us out because she was moving somewhere with her best friend. Then we moved in with her old best friend. She kicked us out because she wanted her own space back. We had been homeless three times in almost a year and i felt like it was all my fault. I kept causing my family pain because of my own selfish reasons. I felt as if i could never escape the pain. We got our own apartment after a while and everything seemed to go by steady. Well up until she brought the man that had caused so much pain back. He came to Columbia without me even knowing. I just walked into the apartment after school and he was there. All the memories came flashing back. I left out with a basketball and i stayed out until he left. I went to my cousins house and smoked a couple blunts with them. Weed has helped me so much with everything. It helps me forget everything. I could never be more grateful to something. It has been almost 2 years since we’ve moved to Columbia. Im 18 now about to turn 19. But everything still affects me. I still have this pain in me. My anger keeps getting the best of me and my nightmares force me to relive my past. New things keep coming to fuel my pain. My mother recently told me and my twin that the only reason she doesn’t know our dad was because she was raped. It hurts because i blamed her for everything and the same way i couldn’t do anything while being raped was how she was feeling when she found out i was. She felt everything i felt yet there was too much pain in both of us to help each other. We just caused each other more and more pain. It made me realise that i didn’t know how my family felt throughout everything. I only know my side. That causes me more pain than any sexual assault or abuse could.
