For Him

Jack of Hearts - Week 3

I fell asleep before him, tired both physically and mentally. I didn't realise when he came into bed but when I woke up, he was sleeping next to me, facing the other way.

I stared at him for a while, thinking about what I've done and what I could do but nothing was coming to mind.

He soon woke up and turned to look at me. I couldn't even smile at him.

He realised my state and just sighed. I made him sigh so many times in the past day.

"I'm going to the bathroom." Was all he told me before he got up and left. Once he came back, I was up and changed, about to make breakfast.

"What do you want to eat?"

"I'll just eat porridge." I nodded at his answer and left our suffocating room.

I know I'm in the wrong but what should I do?

...

Later on in the day, he finally came up to me and said,

"You're closing up again." That wasn't a question but said it as a fact.

"I'm not.. I'm just... my head is muddled." He sighed at my response and moved away from my hugging arms. My silence finally broke him as he said,

"You're not talking to me, you're not telling me anything and I don't know how you're feeling anymore. I know you're hurting but you're not telling me."

I could hear the sadness in his voice but I looked down, not knowing what to say once again.

"When you don't tell me, how am I meant to know? I can't read your mind. If you're hurting then tell me, I'll comfort you. But if you're not telling me, if you're not being honest with me, how can I do anything?...

...It hurts me when you do this..."

I felt tears well up and I couldn't look at him. I knew I shouldn't have stayed silent but I was so confused and didn't know how to put it. I know how much it hurts him yet I still hurt him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.."

"Look at me." He spoke with such a soft voice that I almost didn't hear him but I did and didn't comply to which he responded by gently grabbing my chin and lifted my head slowly.

"Open your eyes." His voice was a bit more firm but I could still hear the soft allure of his voice so this time I listened and opened my teary eyes to look at him. When I did, my first tear dropped down my cheek.

He softly wiped the tear away with his thumb and cradled my head with both his masculine yet tender hands.

"Listen to me, do you think I don't care? I want you to tell me everything that's going on so we can handle it together. Please don't hold it back from me or else we'll end up miscommunicating and we might end up arguing. I don't want that and I'm sure you don't either."

I shook my head. Of course I didn't. I love him and I want to be happy with him, make beautiful memories.

"Maybe it's because you don't love yourself. I can see it."

I nodded because I really don't know how to love myself. No one loved me before he did...

"You need to learn to love yourself. If you can't love yourself, how do you think I feel?

The girl I love is putting herself down. I want you to be strong, overcome all of your fears. I'm not saying to do it alone, I can help you, but the person who can love yourself, is you."

That hit me right in the heart.

"What will happen if I do love myself? How can I love myself?"