Purple Heart | Demi Lovato

15

Demi

"Or are you done?"

When Wilmer didn't answer I walked out of the room, stopping into the closet to put new clothes on. I kept a tight hold on the lump in my throat, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of crying. I got to the bathroom and shut the door, then the tears finally came. I sat on the floor and sobbed hard.

In just five minutes he had exploited every insecurity and fear I had about our relationship. He validated my fears that he didn't want me, not just sex with me, but at all. He didn't think our marriage had substance without the sex, which means the past five months have been a lie.

"Demi." I flinched when his voice sounded outside the bathroom door. "I didn't mean it."

I kept silent, keeping my hand over my mouth so he couldn't hear me crying. I didn't want to hear apologies about how he didn't mean what he said and that he should've never said it. I knew he was sorry for hurting me, but that didn't mean he didn't mean it.

"Baby, please." The door handle turned and I cursed when I realized I hadn't locked it as the door opened. "Demi." He kneeled down but thankfully didn't try and touch me. "I'm so-"

"I don't want to hear it." I shook my head and stared straight ahead. "I can't hear it anymore, Wilmer. You meant what you said. If you didn't, it wouldn't have even crossed your mind to say it."

"I'm not going to tell you I didn't mean it, because some parts of it I did mean. I know that makes me an asshole and I'm sorry for hurting you."

"What parts did you mean?" I still didn't look at him.

"At the beginning it was about proving people wrong. Our friends that said we wouldn't last and it was just... physical." He sat down next to me and sighed. "I was so in love with you Demi, I worshipped the ground you walked on. I wanted everything for us and I was set on working as hard as I needed to get there. And part of that was sex, a lot of it. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other and it was fun and hot and believe me, I loved it. I just... I wanted more and when we weren't having sex, it was more. That's why I haven't been as physical as you. It's not because I don't want you. Believe me, I want you. I want you just as bad as you want me. It's just I want us to have that emotional connection back. Ever since I went on that tour it's been gone. The fourth of July helped, but Demi it's like we're on two different pages and I think you've felt it too."

"Was." I whispered, and closed my eyes. "You said was."

"What?"

I turned my head and looked at him with sad eyes. "You said was. You used the past tense when you said you loved me."

He shook his head slowly. "Demi..."

"Do you love me?" My voice cracked and I bit my lip to keep myself from breaking apart. "Not past tense, or that you could love me whenever we get whatever you want us to have. I mean right here, right now, do you love me?"

"Yes." He slipped his hand in mine and leaned his forehead against mine. "Of course I love you Demi."

"Not just because I'm your wife?" I was crying now, fighting a losing battle with the tidal wave threatening to break. "Not just because we're married and you loved me before? You love me now, because you want to? Not just because you think you should love me?" He opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off. "Because that's how I love you. In a pathetic, crying in the bathroom instead of packing my bags after you scream at me kind of way. In a holding you all night while you have panic attack after panic attack even though you told me you wanted to go to war instead of being a father and a husband kind of way." I shook my head and put my face in my hands. "I love you Wilmer, not because I love sex with you."