What happened to the old me

Im fine

I sat in my room. I thought about tomorrow. Why do I have to go. I started shaking and breathing heavy, "I can't!" I screamed as I threw my pillow. Tears filled my eyes, and I knew I would be bullied tomorrow. Its normal, but that doesn't mean I'm used to it. But I can't tell Collins. No matter what, I'm old enough to take care of my own problems. I picked up my pencil and started to draw, I turned on some music. A few minutes later I heard a knock. I quickly wiped my tears "come in"
"Hey bro, why are you listening to that music? It's kinda depressing." Collins said giving me an odd look.
"Oh, I guess it came on, my playlist is on shuffle..." I said while laughing nervously.
"Uhh ok. It's almost time to film. Get your little taste buds ready bro." Collins laughed while exiting the room.
I didn't want to be in another video. There are a lot of nice comments, but then there are the ones that are extremely rude and hurtful that get to me. And that's the last thing I need right now.
"Hey, Collins I don't think I'll be able to film today." I said feeling nauseous.
"What's wrong?" He asked kind of concerned.
"I just feel a little sick that's all" I said while running to the bathroom. I leaned over the toilet and hurled. This is what it's doing to me. It's making me miserable, i can't go on like this. I know, I need to tell someone, but I can't. It's not as easy as people think. How am I supposed to tell Collins I've been bullied all through middle school and high school. He would be mad because I didn't tell him, I think... and I can't even speak in class, so everyone thinks I'm stupid. I get straight A's, but they don't know.
I went to bed and laid there as tears streamed down my face. I was having trouble breathing, and I took deep breaths to try and calm down.
*beep beep beep beep beep* my alarm was going off and the volume was turned up all the was so it was blasting siren sounds in my ear. I hit snooze and rolled over.
"Wake up!" I heard Collins say coming into my room. I looked over. "You're already dressed?!" I asked. "Um yea, you gotta leave in like 15 minuets." He said. He left to go get breakfast.
"Oh great here we go. A day in the life of Devan." I whispered to myself.
I went downstairs and saw mom in the kitchen. "Good morning Devan." She said smiling at me. I was so tired, I didn't fall asleep til 3am because of crying. "Hey mom." I said plastering on a smile. I grabbed my lunch and headed out the door and hopped in the car. Collins graduated so I went myself.

On the way to school I almost had a panic attack.  I know I will see him, I know he's going to hurt me, I know no one is going to see. I can just feel his fist hitting my face, I can feel the sharp blade digging into my skin. I cringed at the thought. But I couldn't escape it. I know it is going to happen. I dont know when. But I know it's gonna happen.

I pushed the doors open and started looking for him. I didn't see him so I went to my locker. I didn't really have any friends, except Collins, but nobody really talked to me. I put my books in my locker, I heard the bell ring and started to go to home room when I felt a hand grab my hood. He yanked me back. I started shaking. 'No this cant happen now.' I thought in panic. He turned me around and pushed me onto the ground. I landed on my back and I couldn't breath. He grabbed me by my hoodie and punched me in the face, causing me to fly back. He kicked me and punched me more. It hurt, a lot. He took me into the bathroom and locked both of us in the big stall. 'This is it' I thought. He pulled out his little pocket knife and started to cut my back. "This ones for that dumb smile, and this one if for you're weight, and this one if for those dumb videos. Also, don't show your dumb face on YouTube anymore, you know everyone hates you right?" I nodded my head and he left. Blood dripped down my back. I took of my shirt and looked at all my scars, and cuts. I didn't cut myself, this was all from him. I was in a lot of pain. But just like everyday I had to suck it up and go to class. This is why I wear black pants and shirts, so the blood isn't visible. I walked off to class trying to act like everything was ok. But it wasn't. I miss when I could make videos with collins without feeling insecure and without feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. He's the reason I don't smile in pictures. I sat in class scared to get up, and scared leave. Because I know he will find me.