My decayed and corrupted heart

The beginning of my decay

    I was in fifth grade when it first started.

    One night in summer my dad did something horrible to my only sister and a friend of hers, which sent him to prison. I think a few months after that my sister died in a car accident.

   It was a couple years after that when it started to sink in that my life will never be the same. I started giving up on schoolwork I made it through two years of junior high (middle school) with little effort before I started failing classes.
In the next couple years I failed five or six classes and started giving up on school entirely.

   In my senior year in highschool I was at my lowest until I started dating one of my friends then I was happier than I have been since my sister died. This girl....woman made me happy to be alive, she made me feel like I had a purpose, she made me want to go to school just to be with her. Even as I write this I'm smiling because of her. She always made me smile even when I was down. She would do fish lips to make me smile and laugh. I loved her for as long as I could before school ended and I didn't graduate high school.

   I could barely stand not being able to hug and hold her close throughout the summer that when school started up again I had to go see her again so I went to the bus stop that our bus would drop us off. When I saw her I smiled wide and I hugged and kissed her.

   Sometime after that I tried setting up a date with her but she couldn't come. I think that was one of the saddest days of my life that I think I cried a lot that night.

    I'm sure most people would say I'm strong, nice and quiet but I'm only two of those. The later two to be exact. I'm not strong I just hide and bottle up my emotions, still do. It will probably take a strong woman to call my love to fix my chipped, cracked, and decaying heart with the glue of love, but the shell I've built around myself will be hard to penetrate if approached wrong.

   I fear I will never befixed or even saved from my cage of despair covered with the tarp of fake smiles and fake laughter. I even fear I might be partially insane.

I still love and miss her as u write this. Today is Monday February sixth 2018.