Dear Starkid

To Team Starkid,

This is my story. Of both the fanbase and how it has helped me with my lingering depression.

About one year ago, I discovered Team Starkid via A Very Potter Musical. I actually had to watch the first act twice because I was doing homework while doing it. This is one of the best things to happen over the past year. Recently, I found out I had depression. And it's just gotten worse. I have almost hurt myself on multiple occasions and every day I am having trouble figuring out what to live for anymore. I had lost two people close to me about a year ago and it was hard (One June 2016 and another April 2017). I started having a ton of trouble being happy, but I remember playing Going Back to Hogwarts and smiling to myself. My mood instantly lifted.

In May 2017, I wrote my first Starkid fanfic (no, it's not up. My writing is full of cringe-worthy moments.) and got carpal tunnel from losing myself in my story and writing. Summer 2017, I couldn't write. Instead, I found myself in these musicals. A lot of songs helped me feel better (To Have a Home, Not Alone).

When I started the school year, I had already converted two people to become Starkids. It was pretty good entering, but that's when I realized that I had depression. I refused to accept it, so I started writing again. My writing music became any Starkid soundtrack. In November, I discovered TalkFine and Jim and the Povolos. This music made me feel better. Loved and Alive helped me keep from bad self-harm, but I started to beat myself up inside my head. I still listen to Loved and Alive when I've had a bad day to keep from cutting.

In December, my depression plummeted. I still had a C+ in physics and math wasn't doing much better. I also had a B in Spanish, a class I should be getting at least an A in, if not an A+ (Spanish was my first language). I ended up getting a 76% on my physics final and getting a grade of 79% for that course. I wanted to die. Winter break made me feel better. I listened to The Holiday Club on a daily basis and the Seems Right album multiple times as day, as well as Lesser Known Hits from TalkFine.

When I came back to school in January, my depression joined me. I started figure skating up to five hours on the weekend which helped. Yet, I still kept coming back to Starkid in order to feel better. Fan fiction had become a safe haven for me to spill my thoughts. If I was crying, I could lie and say that my fan fiction gave me feels (which it does. Just not as much as I may have told others). Before I knew it, I had already failed a chemistry assignment. My mom got mad and I tried not to cry. I tried so hard not to cry. She had banned me from fan fiction for a bit. She doesn't know I have depression.

Late January sparked Olympic joy. I was happy to celebrate four years of skating and a year of helping with the lower level classes. But my brother started his gymnastics season. This year, I didn't mind that my mom and brother would be out of town every weekend for about two months straight. I got to stay home! The first weekend, I showed ANI to my dad. He was fascinated by it and my joy returned that weekend.

The Olympics started the first week of February. I stayed home alone most Fridays, when I ponded whether or not to self-harm. I turned one some skating and felt better. Only a bit. It was only mainly Starkid that helped. I listened to the Apocalyptour album so many times over the course of a weekend. Recently, I discovered Dolphin Safe Tunes. Those are upbeat and cheerful and always make me smile. :)

Not only did the Olympics start in February, I started self-harming. I haven't cut, though I am scared to shave. I have to give all my focus to it. It hasn't been anything bad, just pinching myself. There are a lot of bruises on my legs both from pinching myself and purposefully falling on ice. Again, Starkid and Loved and Alive have helped me avoid cutting. Starkid gives me something to live for. This weekend, I have listened to them almost all the time. But I just clicked recently. I haven't been feeling any joy in life. I'm scared that I'll get kicked off the varsity golf team. Suicidal thoughts keep going through my mind almost every day.