Redamancy

Chapter 2: Silence and just a little bit more

The morning sun crept in through the window of Andre's room, where Claire had finally slept just hours ago. The redhead rubbed her eyes tiredly, looking to get up and maybe try and find her bearings for the day, which never really came any easier. Claire began to sit up but could only move so much; and this confused the short girl as she looked down to see Andre's arm draped around her waist.

The girl wanted to scream with how close the boy had gotten in his sleep, and how she casually slept in his own bed like they were in some sort of relationship! The poor redhead's head was spinning, and she felt like she could faint- die right then, and keep her feelings to herself for all eternity. Against her better judgement of cuddling against her crush of many years, she managed to slip his arm from around her; finally being able to get up and get to a mirror. The reflection that stared back at her appeared as a short, pale teenage girl, with messy, long crimson hair that had gone down to the small of her back; which now looked like a total wreck.

"Ugh," Claire scoffed. "I really need to get a brush." She laughed to herself, knowing how much she enjoyed being around him, and how she looked really didn't matter to her all that much.

Seeing the two hairbrushes on Andre's dresser, one had red strands in-between the bristles- which had been her own. Claire smiled at the small gesture, realizing Andre had gone to get her own hairbrush from her place. "That was sweet of him...I'll have to thank him when he wakes up." She grabbed the brush and headed for the bathroom; thinking of how to greet the chocolate-skinned boy she slept next to. The thought alone made the girl's face turn the color of her own hair when she thought of how much fun they had just talking. She walked out of the room, shutting the door as quietly as possible on her way out.

Claire's thoughts had run rampant through her head, unsorted and unfiltered. It drove the girl up a metaphorical wall as she dealt with her own feelings. What if he doesn't like me like I think he does? What can I do to show him how I feel? How can I make myself better to be able to be beside him? The girl seemed to eat away at her self-confidence with every what-if, every doubt. Her thoughts ran much deeper than her feelings about a boy- but she compartmentalized that part of her life to good enough reason. She groaned as she walked into the bathroom yet again, looking in the mirror as she brushed her hair.

"God, I swear I'm hopeless. I haven't been around him in years and now all of a sudden I start feeling like....this!" Claire seemed to blush warmly, like a fire of passion had been lit in her features. She couldn't get Andre out of her head- yet there had been more to her feelings that she wanted to speak on, more she wanted to tell him; but she wouldn't dare part her lips to speak of it, for fear of what the repercussions of that conversation would be.

She continued to brush her hair, now giving it the appearance of crimson silk; allowing her now bright emerald green eyes to shine against the rest of her face. Claire placed the brush down, retreating to Andre's room after letting her heated blush settle down. She dared not wake him, for her heart already had its fair share of scares. She laid back down, allowing her beloved hair to spread out like a sea of beautiful silk. Claire's eyes drifted to the ceiling, clutching herself tightly. Her mouth felt dry, and it felt like she was being stuck with pins. Being near Andre helped a slight bit, but she had been in her own head too deeply to just breathe in.

"...You okay?" Andre sleepily replied, still somewhat asleep.

"...Yes? No? I'm....nevermind." Claire whispered softly, turning her face away from his.

"..c'mere, you crybaby." Andre teased, reaching a hand out and touching her. Claire recoiled, and covered her face. The former boxer assumed he had done something wrong; and retreated his hand back to his person. His face showed a look of confusion, but also a look of hurt. He hadn't been aware that he wasn't the one who hurt her- the redhead could never tell him of that part of her life, not ever.

Claire didn't want to tell him how anxious she was, and it seemingly being for nothing. He more than likely could already tell, given how tightly she had her arms wrapped around her person. She knew she was in a safe space. She knew that she was in safe company, and in good hands. But something wouldn't allow her to ever feel safe and secure unless she was completely on her own. When she came that early in the morning, she hadn't let that feeling of dread and insecurity overwhelm her like it had now. She shuffled further away from Andre's reach, prompting the boy to open his mouth to form some sort of rebuttal, but shut it just as quickly. Claire felt terrible for letting her reflexes show that she could be afraid of the boy she turned her back to.

An hour had passed before Andre left the room to go to the balcony; leaving Claire in the room on her own. The redhead wanted to curse herself for giving him the idiotic suggestion that he might have frightened her, allowing her reflexes to take over in that one instance. God, I wish I hadn't done that, she thought. There were alot of things Claire thought, and few of them were about other people. She knew her own thoughts were self-deprecating, hidden behind a smile- but Andre did not. And as far as she was willing to go; she wanted to keep it that way until she felt ready to talk about that part of her life. The hours seemed to inch by painstakingly slow; every second seeming to be a minute, every minute seeming to be an hour. And sometimes an hour felt like three.

"Andre...a part of me wishes I had the courage to be like you..to be unafraid of affection- to be able to love someone," Clair depressingly whispered in a barely audible tone.

She covered her face with her arm, wondering why she even tried to close the distance when she was so...damaged. She wished she had half as much common sense as she did love for the boxer- enough sense to cut the nonsense and tell him how she felt. The longer she laid in his bed, the worse she felt for never truly telling him anything when he asked her, for lying about her safety. The redhead genuinely thought about the times where she could have told him the truth- yet she hadn't. And a part of her couldn't understand why. She always told Andre what she was feeling in the past- what had made her feel so different? It hadn't been age- but maybe the person she had become over the time they'd been apart.

By the time Andre had come back in, he still hesitated to say anything to the redhead. She had an idea of why he had seemingly given her the cold shoulder. He looked through his phone for a moment, paused- then went to his closet. The redheaded girl simply watched the ceiling, soon turning her gaze to the noise coming from the closet. Andre had seemingly pulled out an old-looking acoustic guitar. He gave the strings a quick strum- a simple melodious sound that made him feel a tad bit more at ease.

He placed it next to his nightstand, before smiling in the girl's direction. If he couldn't touch her, then he'd keep his distance. That sad, yet forgiving look in his eyes wounded the girl- she wished he hadn't been so nice. So forgiving to a fault.

The way he looked at her seemed dismissive- like he didn't care what could happen. This made the redhead feel more remorse than before; because she wished to be like him. Strong, sturdy, the rock someone needs to keep themselves afloat.

"Andre, I- I didn't mean-" Claire stuttered. Andre just turned away, eventually leaving the room. He nodded, keeping his speech to a minimum. It seemed to her that he would speak- just not to her, right now. She ruined their talks, their laughing and joking- all with a simple reaction that she couldn't help. One that had been carved into her very being. Oh, how I want to crack my skull against a wall, she thought. Claire did not accept this change, and wanted to fight against it with all she had. She liked talking with Andre. Seeing his eyes simply light up when talking about something he enjoyed, how his voice sounded when he attempted to sing, and especially when they stayed up late talking about how their reunion would go.

"I didn't think we'd ever meet each other again...and things be like...this," Claire whispered solemnly. "I had so much I wanted to tell you....that I miss you...care about you. ...that I love you."

Andre didn't hear her heartfelt whispers, leaving Claire's thoughts unheard. Claire could only accept that he wouldn't speak for now- but that only meant she needed to get him to talk to her. However the girl planned to do so though, still remained a mystery.