Broken

• M A R I E •

If there were a butterfly for every cut on my body my arms would be covered...

my inner thighs wouldn't be visible...

These are just petty details that I repeat to myself over and over again sitting on my bathroom floor, letting the cool tiles underneath me soothe the burning of fresh cuts. What have I done to myself?

I grabbed hold of my hair and sank into my lap letting the tears overflow, sliding down my chin one by one onto the floor.

I wasn't always like this.....

But that was so long ago, I can't even remember what it was like.

You know....to not cut, to actually smile, to not cry me to sleep every night, it must have been nice.

But this is my life now...

Sighing, I dragged myself up off the floor and shuffled over to the sink. I grabbed hold of the sides of the sink when a wave of light-headedness and nausea crashed down on me.

I looked in the mirror at my unfamiliar reflection, "God Marie what have you done to yourself?"

I turned on the faucet and let the warm water cascade over my wounds.

"Babe, what you doing in there?" My heart jumped when Jace's voice thundered from behind the door.

"Uh, nothing sweetie I'll be out in a sec' ok." I raced over to the towel hanging on the shower and wiped off as much evidence of what I'd been doing as possible before rolling my sleeves down and cramming my razors under the sink.

"Hurry up your not the only one here that's gotta piss you know." I stepped out of the bathroom just as he was about to lower his balled up fist to the door.

I ducked under his arm and tried to walk away but he grabbed hold of my arm and yanked me towards him.

"I know what you've you been doing to yourself," He jerked my sleeve downwards revealing my fresh wounds. "You make me sick."

I hung my head low in a putrid mix of guilt and shame.

The crack of his hand making contact with the side of my face was so deafening I didn't have time to compose myself. I simply sit on the floor a crumpled heap of my former self.

"I shouldn't have ever pitied you. You deserve everything that has happened to you and everything that will." I turned to watch as Jace disappeared down the hall leaving me alone on the cold ground.

Our relationship isn't always violence and hurtful words being exchanged there are times when we're like what we were when we started this happy, in love, young...

Those are the memories I think about the most...

Those memories are the ones I miss...

I would give anything to just relive those memories over and over again. But this is my life now. I made the decision to marry this man and I won't go back on my word no matter how bad things get between us. I love him.