philophobia

the first the last

today i decided to flip through it all

the first bits of words i spit out for you 

along the papers without possibly being able to comprehend

for you were the first that i had felt so connected - 

so very alive. 

a few days ago it was ten months, 

ten full months of you 

of me

of us 

i can't take it - 

laughter. 

it all began with the uncertainty that maybe you weren't what i wanted , 

hell, you were never what i thought i wanted. 

yet with the smiles and the words and the way you communicate through touches

god i want it all so bad -

the future with you and the endless ramblings until 3 in the morning when the sun is almost done with her journey to the moon

comforting as it is i know we are not done yet 

there will be fights and arguments 

grabbing me and whispering into my ear so i can hold on to yesterday and tomorrow 

there will always be more - 

this cannot be the last.