Manan- The Dead Me✔

Diary

Me and bhai were going back home when bhai spoke out,"Nandini do you like Manik?" This question surprised me. I just looked outside the window and preferred to seal my mouth.
"Shall I take this as a yes." he chuckled as he applied the brakes to stop in the red light. This word took me aback. I just for once glanced at my past when I had met him and this was the same line he had said when I had somehow contradicted him. "Shall I take it as a yes." Automatically a smile made a way to my lips.
But the very next moment bhai hit the brakes with a tremendous jolt that I was flying against my seatbelt.
Then he continued to drive smoothly but again he repeated the same thing. This time I waggled my head and said,"I like him as a friend."
"Only as friends." he reassured.
"Yeah." I said but he smirked don't know why??
Finally we reached home but before I could enter my room bhai spoke out,"Manik is a good guy. He is perfect for you."
Before I could even say something he rushed to his room. I knew it very well that he was a good guy and he might be perfect for me but what about me?? I was a bloody hell prostitute and I am not at all made for him...I am not made for anyone. Thinking this my heart felt heavy. I had to take out my emotions so I searched for my diary which I always carried with me but to my surprise it was not there. I turned the whole room upside down to find the diary but I didn't find it. I remember very well I had taken it with me and all the while my bag was in bhai's car. It must have dropped down there I thought as I ran down the stairs although without making any noise. I reached for his car and searched it there but it was not there either. Now I was panicking. My diary had all my secrets enclosed within it.

I was just walking from left to right thinking where it possibly might be. Right then I heard a sound. It sounded as if something had broken. I rushed downstairs but everything was perfectly fine. I heard some sound from bhai's room. When I knocked on his door nothing came in reply. I pushed the door to find it open. But what I saw there left me in a state of shock. Bhai was sitting in a corner and crying. His eyes were red with anger and guilt. There were broken pieces of glasses on the floor. "Bhai." I said as I rushed towards him. As soon as he saw me he gave me a bone crashing hug and all the while he whispered,"Sorry."
"Please bhai don't cry."
By now my eyes were filled with tears I can't see him like this. I just can't but the very next moment he broke the hug and wiped my tears. "No crying." he said but still I could see tears in his eyes.
"Bhai what happened?" I asked finally getting grip over my emotions. He then pointed towards my diary which was lying in one of the corner. "I..I found this lying in the backseat of my car. I though to give..give it a read but when I did I got to know what you had gone through all this years and I wasn't even able to help you....I.. I was here enjoying my life and there..you were living as a dead you. You were living a life of pros...prostitute. I...I am sorry...sorry." he again broke down. Finally I managed to console him but I was well aware that he was fully broken. He felt that he was the culprit and all the credit goes to me. Thinking this my heart started aching. Tears were forming in my eyes. I rushed to my room telling him to sleep. I cried my heart out in those four walls. Only I knew what was going on inside me. Only I knew this but I couldn't help it. I couldn't withstand the pain anymore. I can't do this. My bhai is suffering just because of me. I am the problem. I couldn't stand it any longer. I took a pen and started punishing myself. I was wincing and crying in pain but still more than this my heart was aching. It felt heavy. But I didn't stop scratching my hand with the pen. Finally with no strength left I threw the pen and started crying. I even didn't realize when I drifted away to sleep.

I got up with the sound of the doorbell. I just saw my condition in the mirror. My eyes were swollen. My wrist was paining and I was still in the same holi dress. I freshened up and wore a full sleeve printed one piece in order to hide the scratches.

As I came downstairs I saw Mukti side hugging bhai but bhai's face was blank. He was just staring downwards. Whereas Mukti was trying to talk to him. I couldn't see him this way.

Mukti saw me and came to me. She took me to a corner and asked,"Is everything alright?" I just nodded head in yes,still staring at bhai. "Nandini please tell me what happened? Your face too seems dull."
"Mukti.." I was in the phase of telling her the truth.

To be continued...

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Lots of love
Aaku