There's no point of screaming if no one's there to hear you

Mistake

Yoongi POV
This morning I woke up to Jimin by my side, I sat and watched as his bare chest rose and fell with every breath, he needed the sleep, he was definitely hung over.
He slept for a few hours before he woke up. He looked so sweet, so innocent as he slept, like a baby nestling in his mother's arms. I never imagined him in my bed but somehow it ended up like this. I didn't know what it meant to him but we needed to talk about it, because I didn't want to lose him...

I brought up a glass of water and a couple headache tablets from the bathroom cupboard.
"Morning" I whispered, trying to build up the courage to talk.
He sat up.
"Look... we need to talk about last night." I said, straight.
"Yoongi.." He sighed.
"Well... what we did last night, did it mean anything?" I questioned, my eyes welling up.
Tears are rolling down his face, it's contagious.
"Yoongi! what happened last night, it was a mistake." He shouted.
"It just happened, I didn't mean to hurt you like this"
"I'm so sorry... I love him"

"Jimin" I cried.

He got out of bed, he motioned to his head. I passed him the glass and the pills, my hand trembling. He refused.

"Please don't leave, I need you."

Just looking at him,
I knew.
I wasn't good enough.
I was never good enough for anyone.

"Look, I can't do this right now. I need to think about what happened. I need to talk to Tony"

He threw on his clothes, turned his back and left me standing here alone again.
I fell to the floor, tears flooding from my eyes. Hyperventilating. Weak. Numb.

I felt nothing.

It's moments like this that make me feel so low I can't even describe it, it's the feeling of nothing, it's running out of tears to cry and just wanting it all to be over, for it all to end. I don't know if I'm depressed, it's just something I've always felt, I just don't know if I can stick a label onto this feeling.

I cut once, it didn't go well. I put a blade to my wrist, the blood seeped through the gap in my skin, every drop of blood that left my body released a bit more of my pain for just a few seconds, but it didn't last long enough. I only did it once; even though the urge of wanting more was so strong. Eventually I found my way of feeling something, I stopped eating until the emptiness inside of my stomach felt emptier than my soul, of course this came with its downsides, binges so painful it felt like my stomach would explode, stuffing and stuffing my face with food, throwing it up and then going back for more, anything to forget what I was feeling. It's a common occurrence.

Every morning I regret waking up, I wish more than anything not to wake up, to just never ever get up again, because I know I'll never be with him.

I've felt like this for a very long time, but you could never tell, I guess I'm just a good liar. I smile, I laugh (but sometimes too much all at once, almost as if everyone else's dose of happiness is spread evenly throughout the day but mine is an overdose, so when the high ends I'm left crashing down to an unimaginable low), I make jokes, to make others happy, to make sure they never go through the same thing as me.

These kind of things just tip me off the edge, they just make me want to end it all.

When I was in school bad grades were the thing that made me come home and cry, I would just sit there on the floor, in the corner of my room and tighten my tie as far as it could go until I couldn't breathe anymore, to feel what letting go felt like. It usually left a red mark and I would have a bad cough for a few days, and guess what... I managed to cover it all up. A little concealer I stole from my mums makeup bag and and the excuse of having a cold, it worked, I lied.

But now I'm here, and I can't do anything about it.