The fault in our stars dear diary

Dear Diary

Today's the day of my star crossed lovers funeral. I woke up this morning got hooked up first thing before going down stairs to both my parents in their funeral outfits.

"Morning honey" mum greeted me in her usual way but there was something wrong, I could tell by the way her eyes were absent of the shine and the way my Father was sitting up straight biting the insides of his cheeks the way he usually does when he's trying not to cry. It was then that I realised what day it was. The day we buried my boyfriend. Looking back I feel selfish. selfish because if my lungs hadn't messed up and decided to flood with liquid maybe then Gus would have told me that his cancer had returned. That would have brought us some time, time to look for new medication, new treatment, anything. I told Emma this and she replied with "we often feel as if, if we did something different it would have changed the end result" to which I replied "death is inevitable I know that " which then came to her saying "no one can out live death" which got me pretty annoyed. This annoyance lead to me saying "well, I understand that but I'm just saying that I felt selfish" that and "Jesus Emma do you ever actually listen me they really should send you back to England to redo your qualifications." the last comment lead to the end of our session.

I don't know if I'm really ready for his funeral. I know that our days were limited but I never wanted them to be as limited as they really were. when the truth is getting right in your face you do the thing a normal person would and try to dodge it. This is exactly what me and Augustus did. We were aware of the presence of our ending days but we dodged it, so in a way I haven't said goodbye to him and I never will now. Not really. But I wish I did say goodbye. I would like nothing more than to look into his  water coloured eyes and tell him that I had loved him, that I love him still, that even though cancer was soon to be a bastard and rip us apart I want this he the other way around. I want him to be eulogising me. He knows this from the prefuneral but I want him to know this without having to have any type of funeral involved. I am scared. scared that my eulogy will be wrong. I am not one of words not when it comes to goodbyes. I have read Gus' eulogy to me but now I know that I can't compete but I also know I can't change my eulogy to him because it would over rule the idea of the prefuneral.

Dear diary, saying goodbye to someone that Iove more than anything else. will be the hardest thing i've ever done.

Hazel