MONSTER

N.K. 0.1 : Rosaly

Sometimes I see faces, but I don’t know why.

    A product of hallucination maybe; I cannot label them no matter how intently I try. They are nameless, and yet not strangers.

    Like Alamo ghost, they emerge from the deep of the night, materialize from the darkness, and deny my sleep. It was the ghost of fears that I harbor for ten years. I would call them dreams or maybe nightmares, but that’s too easy.

   I suspect one of those faces belongs to my mother, Crystal; it was young, not much older than mine, with cheeks like an angel, drifts of honey blond color hair and deep blue eyes; still young and beautiful. Not now. The monster drags her down too. But I may say she still got the charm.

   I don’t look very much like her. My hair curls, auburn, a round a full, heart shape face and my eyes are chocolate brown; or to be more creative burnt umber.

   Rosaly Marie Travis? Pretty name isn’t it? I wish I could live up to it.

   Funny as the thought crosses my mind, “LIVE” how ironic to thought about living while the truth is the opposite of everything you have wish for, hope for. That’s REALITY, that’s the whole truth.

   My mom insists I am pretty, but I know better that she is a one-woman cheering section. Since my dad passed away ten years ago with the same faith as I, my mom raised me by herself.

  This monster is eating up our family ten years ago, when my dad died and with me being diagnose of having it. This monster is different, it won’t stop, and it can’t be stopped.

 Acute lymphocytic leukemia or much known as *ALL*; an appropriate name for such monster that consume ALL you have inside. It occurs to anyone and at any age. This is the monster that was tearing my family apart; that was tearing my life apart.

  I’m kind of a lone wolf, except for Lilianne; and she’s what you might call a part-time friend. We hang out sometimes, but only if she’s got nothing better to do. Meaning no ballet recitals or play rehearsals, or guy of the week to distract her; but my mom is always there, someone I can count on, through chowder and brought or much known as through thick and thin.

      Generally things feel kind of like a claustrophobic attack. It was like being trapped on an invisible wall. Walking without knowing what will hit you next and when it seems like my space in this world are getting smaller and smaller every minute.

   Most days I woke up forcing to be okay. Same old routine. Eat breakfast, watch T.V, if got tired of the reality shows in it; I’ll hit the close button on the remote and start reading novel books, fantasy genre of course.

  Fiction, it was the life I wanted to have. My own version of fiction is my reality; that sucks the life out of me. I hate it and by that I hate myself more and more. After reading, drink some more meds, and dinner then bed. Blah, blah, blah. But sometimes; no most of the times I’m afraid. It’s like yanking myself from a nightmare only, even I know I’m wide awake, I can’t unstuck myself from the fear of this reality. How I wish it was like on movies, when the director says the magic word “CUT” everyone will turn out okay. The dying will arisen and the things are finish without harm. Within those times I don’t want to leave my room; those times are my everyday life.

     But today was DIFFERENT. That was what my mom told me. She had found a way that I can attend high school again. In fact she is very proud about it. The day she told me about it, I can say no. Why? How could I, when it was the first time I saw her smile genuinely.

   It was ten years ago when she stopped smiling truthfully. How can she smile when she loses the love of her life and dealing with another bomb near her? I don’t know. That’s why she’s trying so hard that it breaks my heart.

    According to my mom’s co-worker Jenny, her sister has a child; a boy, who was dealing with the same monster, is going to attend a special school that was built for the likes of us. She even suggest to check the website of that school, “You’re daughter might actually like the thought!” she added cheerfully. My mom being the positive aura of my life; do actually check the website and decided to list my name on it. She has done everything before she told me a thing or two.

   She describe the school to me a day before today. It was located at 13th street near across Mahogany Park. It was kind of near to us, just five minute drive.

   “Get in!” My mom motions me to get inside the car.

   I don’t refuse as she helped me on my seat; and as I was settled inside she asked again.

    “Excited?” She asks to me as she set the seatbelt in place.

    “A little nervous I guess?!” I replied.

   That was not a total lie. I was scared.

    “Shush! You’ll be okay honey, just be who you are and everything will turn out okay!” She said while holding my face and then when she is about to cry, she let go of me and start the car.

   I don’t ask why she would cry, because I know. I heard her, not from my ears but from my heart.

     The movement of the car was gentle and I stare out looking at the window.