episodes of my lil mind

episode 2.

him. ugh i hate to make this clique and all. but him. hes 99% of my thoughts. and i hate it. i dont know how i feel. feelings confuses me, i mean, is this just another one of my phases? its weird how someone can have so much feelings for a significant other, and they have no idea abt it. and its not like i can just come out and say it, i guess u could say its complicated. although its beyond complicated. u probably have no idea what im even talking abt, so obviously im going to tell you. theres this guy, and i dont know what it is abt it but he drives me insane. there was one night, it was a school dance. and my school had these mats laying all our the grass outside. it was stunning, it was a beautiful night. just with the stars there, gleaming in the night sky and the cool breeze in the air. right, so my friends and i decided to just hang around on the grass and talk. this is where he comes in, i heard abt him from other people but we never really talked. he was new and we weren't close or anything like that. but i heard he was a player, and that he was going through girls in a swoosh. all these crazy stories abt him and these girls, all his crushes ever since he came to my school and all. so he just came up to my friends and i and said hi. its funny because at first i hated him, i mean i just didnt get a good vibe from him. i acted really out of it and just not really comfortable with the fact that hes talking to my friends and i. but then he showed me alot of attention. he told us all these stories of all the times he'd been broken. he talked abt his exes and so on. and we were interested, its hard to believe but we were. and we talked on and on. he talked abt love. how its just an illusion, how its not real and its something thats just 'there'. he explained to us how all the stories we'd been hearing were wrong. he didn't have all those crushes and didnt go out with all those girls. anyways, he then told us abt this girl he liked. and how he couldn't stop thinking abt her, how shes so amazing. and how hes currently talking to her and their going on a date. it was just pretty chill conversation making and there were loads of talking. we then decided to end the night on a happy note so we went to dance. and we danced and danced. he grabbed my hand, we laughed, we danced. for the first time in a while i felt something lit up inside of me. i felt worth it. i felt loved. i felt special. but none of that mattered. because i spent time convincing myself that it was nothing. but for the whole weekend i couldnt stop thinking abt it. the way he grabbed me, they way he laughed, the way we danced. i couldnt get him out of my head. i convinced myself that it was nothing, its something that will just go away. the feelings will fade and i will be ok. it all confused me, i mean i would say that i dont have a 'type'. but if i did, it would really not be him. but there was something abt him, i cant seem to figure it out, but he made me feel, and i knew that for sure. but i could never be with him, just because i cant. i know he'll leave, i know it will break me. with all the stories that he told me, abt all of his exes and all it scared me. i used it as an excuse, to not like him. because if i did he would just treat me like that, i would just be one in his big group of 'girls'. and im really not abt to let myself in like that. but a part of me really wanted for him to fall madly in love with me and just actually feel something real with me. but that would never happen. i tried. so hard to stop thinking abt him, while he was filling my thoughts, she was filling his. but it was totally fine because i dont have any feelings for him whatsoever? right? i shouldnt feel broken or anything. i barely know him, i spent one night with him. one night. these feelings cant be real, they arent. oiyutrdytfuygiuoipiuyftdrtfyguhiljo;kjihouigy ugh i really dont know what to say. even talking abt this makes me feel all weird inside. there is so much more though.