Words By Pancongg Keju✔

(5)

❞
it was that cloudy sunday,
waking up in the sunday morning
should be something we were happy for
but i heard people crying
no, to be exact my family’s.
they were crying not-to-loud
but had me to wake up in the early morning
i had deep confusions spinning all around
wondering what happened
but i couldnt get my feet up
because everyone needs their 5-minutes break
after waking up in the morning

it didn’t take too long for someone
to knock my door
unexplained emotions surfaced on his face
and followed by a weak voice,
slowly told me :
“Please, wear your best black clothes.”
and that moment,
i knew what was going on.
❞
🌐
🌐
🌐
🌐

❞
numb.
empty.
my mind cried.
my heart ached.

i was as blank as an A4 bond paper.

i repetitively hit my chest,
it was so hard to accumulate
the abundant oxygen around me.
it was so hard to breathe.
my tears couldn’t flow,
and that was the most painful.
i wanted to ask why, what, when
and how
but my voice box was clogged.
i couldn’t shout what was on mind
i couldn’t talk
because myself was too busy
to breathe
and
to gain my own consciousness.

i felt guilty because of the fact
that i didn’t love her enough
i felt guilty because of the fact
that i didn’t always have time for her
i felt guilty because of the fact
that i was not always there for her
i felt guilty because of the fact
that i didn’t say ‘i love you’ to her

regrets have always loved to destroy
the dream of happy ending stories.
❞
🏜
🏜
🏜
🏜

❞
"why are you so fake?"

they ask

yet i answered,

"because they teach me not to love my real self, and i do."

because i'm me
when i'm alone.

i'm more like myself
when i stuck in a place
called home.

and in the very next day,
i realized that life is very selective
only the strong one will stay.
❞