Don't Say My Name

~Prolouge~

Ten confessions.

One. I've always been truthful as a youth. When I was about four or five, I was the most righteous little tike on the playground. Some punk kid trying to climb up the slide? I think the fuck not! One hand and a lot of screaming later, there was always some poor chump sitting by the teacher in defeat. After that, I quickly became my teacher's biggest dream and my classmates' worst nightmare. I never lied about completing homework, or sneaking out at night. I'd like to think that I knew that lying would get me nowhere in life, but I really think I was just scared of what would happen.

     In Junior High, I joined safety patrol. It was one of the biggest moments of my life back then. I felt so proud carrying around my poorly constructed badge and bright yellow penny. When I was wearing my uniform, I felt like nothing could bring me down. Safety Patrol was a load of bullshit. The only thing we did was open doors for kids when they were going home. I didn't mind though, I just carried on my duties with energy and pure joy like it was the most important thing in the world. As a stupid little kid, I always said that I would remain righteous, kind, and just. I wonder what little me would say if they saw me now...

Two. The music industry is corrupt. Everyone in the industry knows this, but the public has no idea. If I could tell you all the spiteful things that I've seen, I would. The amount of careers I have witnessed crumble. The amount of hearts I have seen destroyed. The amount of bodies cold and unmoving. The main rule of the music industry is to keep your mouth shut and turn the other way. If you do that, you'll never have to sleep with one eye open.

Three. The music life ruins you. It prays on the young and impressionable. It sounds like heaven at first. Fans, money, tours, traveling, celebrities, parties, drugs, groupies. When you're thrown in to all of that stuff at once, you feel like you're on top of the world. Hell, I would be lying if I said it still didn't feel like that. But each one of those things takes a little piece from you. Every autograph, every interview, every encounter slowly eats away at your creativity and spirit. Crumbs turn into pieces. Pieces turn into chunks. They keep taking and taking and taking until eventually you lose everything that was once so special about you. And that's when you go insane.

Four. I'm not an asshole. I never was. I have an image to uphold, but I'm not going to be rude for the sake of my reputation. I still thank fans when they come up to me. I still sign autographs and stay out late just to take pictures and hang out with them. I still wake up and respond to every single message I get. It's hard, but it's worth it. I owe it to them.

Five. I'm not a saint. If anything, I'm more of an asshole than a saint. I've done some wrong, I've done some right. That's all I want to say about that.

Six. I know things that someone my age should never know. I can't go into detail but I've gone through so many things that have changed who I am. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's a bad thing. I'm not too sure at the moment. If I had to say anything for certain, I would say that I'm too young for all this. Hell, I'm not even thirty yet. I'm on the young side, I know, but the things I've seen is enough to make someone age decades.

Seven. I used to be good. Well, I used to be whatever "good" meant. I used to never do anything that could hurt another person. I used to mind my own business and stay clean. I used to smile. Not that fake generic smile I give to the paparazzi, I mean genuinely smile. But every person has their limit with how much they can handle. I just crossed mine a long time ago.

Eight. I have hurt everyone who has every loved me. I've hurt people who I have cared about in ways I don't wish upon my worst enemy, and that's all you need to know.

Nine. I try so hard to be normal. I really, really do. I never wanted to become that high-end celebrity who won't even leave her house without a security guard. I never wanted to deny fans a simple "hello" just because I was trying to walk to my studio. I just wanted to be down to earth, like I had always been.
     Before I became a huge celebrity, I used to buy coffee and pizza for the fans waiting hours in line. I swear the pure joy on their faces when they saw me with food and drinks was the best thing I had even seen. The gentle "thank you" I would get from them melted my heart. They were the kindest little angels, and they looked up to a person like me.

Ten. I have a lot of secrets. If you're reading this, I'm guessing that you've already heard some of them. I never wanted to end up like this. I never wanted to end up like them. But everyone has secrets, wether
they admit it or not. Everyone's made mistakes; some people are just better at hiding them. In fact, most people are.

I never thought that I would be where I am right now. Well, it's not like I know where I am right now, but I sure as hell know I wouldn't aim to be here. It's not like I can change what I've done.

It's not like I can change what I've said.

Or can I?

     You don't know the full story. I don't care how many times you've heard, you don't know. There's always a detail or perspective that you'll miss while reading the fine print. There will always be lines for you to read in between. In order for you to truly know the full story, you're going to have to read closer, better, smarter. There's always a small detail that might open a whole different side to the tale.

I don't know what the hell I'm saying. It sounds like something important but I'm really just making stuff up as I go. Most of the time, I'm making stuff up as I go. If you get any sort of meaning out of what I'm saying, it's probably out of context.

Or maybe not.

Look, if I'm going to tell this story, I need to start from the beginning.

The beginning....