Worry- James Everson

Worry

     There are many things to life other than just worrying about things. Things that may hold us back. Worry can be something that can drive a person crazy, insane even. How would I know? Well, I guess you could say i'm kinda crazy. All I do is worry, day in, day out. It may be about the littlest things, from having pens in my shirt pocket, to washing the dishes five seconds ago. There is another thing as well, reputation, and how people look at me. Call it self consciousness, I just worry about anything that can be worried about. But, there are certain things I worry about a lot more than others. One, being my friend, Alexis.

     I hardly know her, and she hardly knows me. But, I do know that she has a heart disease/disorder/condition, etc. that has no cure. They don't even know what it is, it's an irregularity that can cause her heart to just start racing suddenly. She's passed out on occasions, being close to death. So, at school everyday she misses, I wait. Hoping she makes it. That I get to see her. Her wonderful smile. Her adorable laugh. Her intellect, her smart remarks. Everything about her is great, and I cherish every moment being around her. But, i'm never around her, she just happens to have a couple classes with me. Sadly, I kinda stalk her to her classes. Well, passively. More along the lines of curiosity of where she actually goes. There's only one time of day that I truly "stalk" her. Which is at lunch, because i'm not usually hungry at lunch (actually I am, but I just don't want to eat I guess).

     I am pretty sure she has no idea I do this, but I'm pretty sure she knows I walk through there everyday. Because she always looks back, and just smirks a little. I love it, it's absolutely adorable. And even now, I miss it. The thing is, it's Monday, and today is the day we go back to school etc etc. Well, she's not here. She's always here on Mondays. So, i'm kind of freaking out. Even as i'm writing this. I remember the days she used to come to the library, and i'd sit next to her. And i'd awkwardly try to talk to her. But, she was always busy when she was in the library, so she didn't really talk. It always seemed like a really awkward one sided conversation. At least she was polite about it though, she would apologize for not responding etc. I didn't mind, I just wanted to sit next to her. Although hearing her talk would also be nice.

      So, as I am sitting here in the Library writing this down, she still is not here today. Where could she be? Is she ... dead? Noooo, people would have talked about it surely by now. The last kid that committed suicide, people treated as a bad joke. It was something people would joke about, where a few people would laugh, while the most just cringed, or shuddered. But, there was no talk about her. But, I mean even if they were, I've been very quiet today, and haven't asked anyone about it, and I don't plan to. So, instead. I sit here, in worry.

Waiting.

     Why can't she just be here? Why can't I just see her, and give her a big hug. Sniff her hair, and forever take it in. I never want to be able to forget her again. I couldn't. She's mine. She's the one that makes me happy, forever after. But, life doesn't work that way. I'm extremely awkward, and I could never hug her, let alone talk to her normally. Plus, even if I did get the courage to do so, she hardly knows me, so she'd probably see it as weird. She also has no idea I worry in the ways I do. Or worry about her. So, I wait. And wait. Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting ....

     I'm never going to be able to talk to her. She'll never want to talk to me. She'll never want to be with me. It's all doomed. I'm too ugly, too hard on myself. I'm too depressed. She's too perfect, while i'm too imperfect. Why am I like this? Why can't I be normal, handsome, calm, and collected? Why, does life do this to me? Every time. Every single time.

     I don't care. I miss her. And I need her. Where is she? How can I get to her, or how can she get to me. How do I talk to her? Is she even alive? I have to know! There has to be something I can do to help her. Find her. Be with her. Anything, I'd do anything. But, I can't. As the day progressed, she did come to school. And I didn't say a word to her. Not a single thing. I hardly even acknowledged her, like she usually does with me. I've been trying to talk a lot less lately. I'm kind of known to be a smart ass, and talking too often. So, to combat this I just decided to stop talking. As I expected, nobody minded. It seems people even enjoyed it. They enjoy the thought of me struggling not to speak. To bite my tongue constantly.

     What's the hardest part, is not talking to her. Or at least attempting. I've tried in the past, with little to no avail. Either that or I'm just too awkward. Just the thought of not trying to talk to her is driving me crazy. Maybe I will talk to her? Now, you may be wondering why I won't talk to her. As you know, I talk a lot apparently. And if you knew me, i'm not actually that shy. I can talk to any stranger really. It's just, the girls I like, I can never really talk to the way I used to. Well, there's a reason. I'm afraid of being denied, I'm afraid of being crushed like I have in the past. Now, this may sound cowardly, and just sad. Well, you're right. It is sad, and there's little to no excuse for me doing this. Not every girl is going to crush me as have many girls in the past. Everyone is different. People change. But, I just feel it doesn't matter. Because no matter what, they will never want to be with me. And the girls that do like me, will never talk to me?

     It's pretty much a never ending cycle I wish I could just end. Why can't I just be with her? And just live happily ever after? Is that too much to ask for? Must I really suffer all my life, for it all to go to waste. And, to die alone. Now, to those who say you will always die alone, this is not true. I believe you can die with the one you love, and never truly be alone. Even if they are not there in person, you can think about them, and how happy they made you. And at least die happily. And in the end, that's all that matters. Pain, is something of a mentality, it's something anyone can get over. So, shouldn't I just apply this to way I think about girls? Probably. Actually, I really don't have much of an excuse not to. Sure, it'll hurt now. But in the end, if I put myself out there, I have a much higher chance of her finding me, when I'm searching for her. Because, I'll actually be trying. She'll recognize that, and she'll just appear one day. I have this feeling over a few girls. I would be happy living my life with any one of them to be honest. In my eyes, they're all perfect; it kills me not to be able to just pick one, and say they're better than the rest. So that way it's final, and I never think of the others the same way. Streamline my efforts you know, so that way it's more likely to happen.

     But, what if she doesn't work out? There goes those options I guess. My feelings for them would absolutely vanish, and I would have to find somebody else, that may not be as perfect as them. I mean, what if? What if, what if, what if, ... yeah yeah yeah. It's the same old same old. At this point, this is just killing me. Thinking about all of this, it's hurting my brain. You know, writing this down in my binder (notebook if you want to be fancy) feels just weird. I mean I could just get a counselor. Eh, another time.

     Well, I guess this concludes today's little spiel, another time readers.

~~ James Everson