Schizo

Chapter 3: The Feelings

I wonder what feeling is like? Does it burn? Sometimes. Does it relax you? I think so. Do you love? I'm sure you can. In my current state, I'd define myself as a "cynical romantic." What's that you ask? According to Urban Dictionary, a cynical romantic is "Someone who is in love with the idea of Being in love, but believes that logically there is no such thing as love." Actually if I could put it in my own words, I'd say "there is no such thing as ROMANTIC or TRUE love. I believe I can find love in other ways, like my mom, or any family in that matter. Or if I had a kid. I really want to have a daughter. I think she could help me find love. Not sick and twisted love like that, ew don't even think that. Makes me want to puke. And definitely not like some Hallmark movie where my daughter meets my true love and then it's just fate when I meet her, not that bullshit. I'm talking like my daughter could replace that empty hole in my heart, she could make me learn to care again. Then, I might have a lot more hope for the words "true love."

Love. Is it real? Shit, I don't know. Do I want to?  Not after what I've experienced. I've had a lot of experience with being fucked over in that subject. I will, however, tell you that you'll never forget the first person You fall in love with. I can't tell you about the last person, because if you didn't notice beforehand I still haven't got that far. But my first love. First real love I felt was with a girl who didn't even live in the same time zone as me. I called her AJ so I guess I'll do the same in this story. AJ was beautiful. Damn, she was gorgeous. It kills me to think I'm the one that fucked her over, but we'll get to that in a bit. For right now, I'm going to blab a little about her because I don't give a fuck what you have to say. This is your look inside my mind 4 years after I fell in love for the first time. She's beautiful. I say "she's" in present tense, because I know she really hasn't changed. Maybe a short haircut as a way to reinvent herself and maybe more makeup because she was never really confident in her looks, but let me tell you what, to me she was the most beautiful girl I ever laid eyes on. She was my entire world and I'd give anything just for her to be back in my world. But God giveth and God taketh away. It's sad to know how true those words are, but life goes on. Anyways, AJ had braces. To most of you that would probably be weird or whatever. I don't know, but to me that was kinda my thing. Braces called for straighter teeth anyways, so really I was just planning for my future if I wanted to sound conceited. Either way, I liked the braces on her and don't say a damn word about me being wuss because I am not a wuss. I'll fucking show you what I mean if I have to, but I did. I liked the braces. I thought they were cute as hell. And her long, curly brown hair. Like perfect curls too. The ones you want to run your fingers through when you're staring into her big brown Bambi eyes and telling her how much you love her.. and miss her. I miss her so much and I've never even met her in person. That's how stupid I am. Because after I fell in love with her, I made the stupid mistake of cheating on her. And I fucking hate it, but I can't hold my tongue about this forever. This is the reality I made for myself and I have to live with it. How do boys claim to love someone so much and then cheat on them? I don't know, ask Lust. Ever heard of her? She's deadly. She can kill any relationship you had before you met her. She can make you go insane thinking if you ever really loved her or really you just had lust take over your life and throw away the one good thing you had. Wow. That sounds like an infomercial.

Now Introducing!!
LUST

She's sexy and sleek. You'll want her around forever!
But beware!
She can kill any existing relationship you had before her
AND!!
She can drive you insane wondering if you really love someone or not!
Buy her now before she's gone forever!
If you act now, you can get another one of her for FREE!!

Wow. That was fucked. Another one? You're going to cheat twice with the same woman? Fuck bro.

Anyways, I fell in love with AJ, but I held a double life. Actually, triple life. Because in reality I was a "still-in-the-closet" trans kid with long girly hair and I still wore makeup occasionally to hide my true identity from my mom and my peers. And then in the online game we met on, I was AJ's boyfriend and (we'll call the girl I cheated on AJ with J) J's boyfriend. But AJ caught up to me when she saw my bio update on my character and it said "J <3" or something like that. I don't know, I try to forget how fucked up that was of me to do something like that to her. I truly love AJ. Yeah, I know I still used present tense. There's no way that she will ever read this, but if she somehow does come across this, I'm sorry that I ruined any future relationships you have because I know that three years after I fucked you over, you still had questions. You messaged me on our old app and asked me some of the worst questions I didn't think I'd ever have to answer. "What was wrong with me?" Nothing... nothing. Please, don't leave me again. It was me, I fucked up. I screwed you over and I don't want to say it, but after four years of not talking, it hurts me. Can't you hear my broken heart beat? It sounds like plates being thrown at walls and shattering on impact. Because even though it's broken, it still makes a sound. Because I'm working on cleaning it up. So you hear the broom sweep up the broken pieces. Where's the trash can? Don't throw me away. AJ... I love y-.

Another bad dream. I think I'd rather have bad dreams about squirrels being eaten by each other, but I guess this is my karma. I fell in love a couple more times, but the latest one fucked me over. Interesting twist, huh. Considering there were four girls before her who I fucked over. Her green eyes had me as soon as I looked into them. I was shy so the first time she introduced herself to me, i didn't look up. I couldn't meet her eyes, but then I met her eyes at the time card table and I was instantly shot and wounded, probably should of been euthanized at that moment, but again... karma. We flirted and I fell for her kinda not completely but she could of had me if she kept it up. And then she went back to Texas and didn't return for three months and right before she left she ends up telling me she doesn't care about me and yeah. Pretty fucked, but without her I never would have opened up to other people.. only to be shut down again. Yeah, now I'm back to my old habit of shutting everyone out and becoming distant. Oh well. In all seriousness though, she wouldn't of opened my eyes again to see that I really do love someone. Of course it's someone who would never talk to me again, but it's a hope. But as for the last girl, if you ever read this. Just remember, I fucking hate you. You're not important to me anymore. But I think Neil Hilborn really takes the cake with his words from 'It Was the Summer' a track from his spoken word album 'Northbound' -  "When you feel nothing for someone long enough, it starts to seem like hate."

My advice to anyone who thinks they are a cynical romantic, hold on to the hope that you can love someone, especially if you have in the past. The feelings are the best thing in the world.