Savin' Me from Me

Guilt and Forgiveness

The waves crash violently against the shore, sun shining brightly in the sky. Two figures lay asleep on a blanket on the sand, the blonde curled up against her brunette counterpart whose arms are wrapped around the blonde protectively. Spencer starts to stir from her sleep, brows furrowing at the brightness of her surroundings. Not yet completely awake, she peaks an eye open, looking around to the best of her ability in confusion. As her sleepiness fades, the memories of the night before come back and she smiles. Noting that Ashley isn't awake, Spencer slowly pulls back a little just enough to see Ashley's face as she rests her head in her hand. She studies the girl's face, a small frown crossing her own as she takes in the dark circles still present under her girlfriend's eyes. She reaches her hand up, tenderly brushing the girl's red bangs out of her face. She lightly brushes her fingers across the dark circles before slowly moving to caress her cheek. It hurt her to know that she was one of the reasons for them and regardless of what Ashley told her last night, she still feels guilty.

I'll make it up to her. I have to. Spencer nods her head in determination at the thought before startling at the unexpected voice.

"I thought I said you had nothing to feel guilty for?" Ashley mumbles, voice husky with sleep. Spencer puts a hand to her chest trying to get her speeding heart to calm down.

"God, Ash! You scared me. How long have you been awake?" she asks, ignoring what was said. Ashley peaks an eye open to look up at the girl.

"Long enough to know that you still feel guilty for our fight" Spencer lets out a heavy sigh not being able to help the guilt and shame she's still feeling.

"I can't help it. I know what you said but the fight was my fault. We both know that. I lost my patience when I KNOW how hard it is for you to open up. I got scared because I had the stupid thought that maybe you didn't trust me like I thought you did. I backed you into a corner til you had no choice but to lash out. If I had just been more patient, we wouldn't have had that fight. You wouldn't have had to suffer the nightmares you have. You wouldn't.." her voice cracks, eyes filling with sudden tears, "You wouldn't look like you're slowly wasting away. It's my fault." Spencer chokes out the words as the tears start to flow. Ashley's eyes open fully at that, a frown upon her face as she sits up and pulls her love into her arms.

"Shh, it's okay baby. I don't blame you. If our positions were reversed, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Trust me. I know how frustrating it must have been for you. It's not your fault. Please believe me." Ashley whispers into the crying girl's ear, rocking her gently. And it was true. Ashley knew she's improved greatly from how she used to be but she still had a long ways to go before she was a person she could be proud of. Spencer continues to cry, all the pent up guilt and shame coming out. Ashley brushes a tender kiss to the side of the girl's head as Spencer cries, face buried into Ashley's neck. It's a little while before Spencer starts to calm down. Ashley reaches up and gently wipes the tears away.

"Feeling a little better?" Ashley questions softly, running her fingers through Spencer's hair. The blonde shrugs her shoulder.

"A little bit. It's just.. it's going to be hard to forgive myself." Spencer mumbles, voice rough from crying.

"I'll help you with that. I've forgiven you. I just hope you can forgive me as well." Spencer's brows furrow as she looks up at Ashley.

"What for? If I hadn't have started our fight you wouldn't have felt the need to lash out and say what you did." Ashley lets out a sigh, looking down at the girl seriously.

"Spence, regardless of who started the fight I shouldn't have said that to you at all." Spencer opens her mouth to say something before Ashley puts a finger to her lips, stopping her.