Savin' Me from Me

Mission Possible pt. 2

Ashley's P.O.V

I shove my phone back into my pocket and let out a heavy sigh. I know I told Kyla I'd try and calm myself but it's hard. I'm such a huge bundle of nerves that it's difficult getting myself to just relax. I don't think anyone realizes how bad the fight was. It wasn't physical if that's what you're thinking. God no. I could never ever lay a hand on Spencer out of anger or otherwise. But we are both very good with words and when I feel like I'm getting attacked or cornered I tend to lash out with words I don't mean.

*Flashback*

"Why won't you just tell me what's going on?" she says to me. I can hear the frustration in her voice. I try my best to calm her down.

"Because there's nothing going on. Really. It's nothing." I see a flash of hurt cross her face and I wince internally. I didn't think she would catch on this quickly. Its only been a day since I came up with the plan and she caught on just like that. I certainly didn't think she would get this upset. But I can't tell her. No matter what.

"If it's really nothing then how come it seems like everyone else knows but me? Do you really not trust me?" she asks, her face falling a little as she looks down at her feet. I groan quietly in frustration.

"Spencer it's not like that. Of course I tru..." she cuts me off.

"You always do this Ash. Anytime there's something going on with you, you never tell me. I ask what's wrong and your response is always 'nothing's going on, I'm fine'. I ask if you wanna talk about it, you tell me "no" or "maybe later" but its never really later. I have to pick and prod and if I'm lucky i get a snippet of what's going on with you. I'm always waiting, hoping maybe you'd trust me enough to tell me and open up to me but you push me away and block me out. You grow cold and shut down on me and it hurts and I'm.. I'm tired Ashley. God, sometimes it feels like I'm dating a stranger!" I tense at her last sentence and by the look on her face she regrets saying it. If I were a stronger person, if it was said by someone I didn't really care about, I'd let it go. But it hurt. It really did. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then stabbed me in the heart. To be seen like that by someone you loved. Does she really view me as a stranger sometimes? She knows how hard it is for me to open up. That in my own time I'd tell her about everything. I glare up at her, turning my hurt to anger.

"I trust you but you obviously don't trust me enough to tell you in my own time. You can't just expect people to tell you things when YOU want. Since I'm such a stranger to you, what the hell are you doing here? A sheltered, little church girl like you shouldn't be talking to strangers." I regret it as soon as it came from my mouth. The recognition to the reference and then the immense hurt that crosses her face drains all the anger from me and leaves me stumbling back as I try to retract my foot from my mouth. To many, that wouldn't've been seen much as an insult but for Spencer it was probably one of the most hurtful ones. She's told me about her past. How hard it was for her back in her small town in Ohio. She lived in a close minded town and her coming out story is a messy one. It's ultimately one of the biggest reasons they moved here. And being the heartless bitch I am, I just rubbed salt into the still healing wound. Her eyes shine unusually bright and my heart breaks.

"Fuck you Ashely." Her voice wavers as she says it and my heart breaks that little bit more. I feel my eyes fill with regretful tears as I watch her spin on her heel and storm out of the room before I have a chance to find my voice.

*End flashback*

She DOESN'T know anything about me. Maybe I haven't made a great effort in opening up to her. But I'm scared. I don't think she realizes how painfully terrified I am to tell her about my past. About who I really am. I don't.... I'm petrified for her to see how.. damaged I am. Both emotionally and physically. She hasn't seen the scars. She's only witnessed the surface of my emotional distress. I'm so scared I'm going to lose her after I tell her. That she'll find me disgusting. Not worthy of her time. When she told me it felt like she was dating a stranger, it felt like she stripped me of the closeness I felt we had. The friendship, the love, the effort it took to get as close as we are.. it just felt like none of it was taken into account. I know.. I know she couldn't have meant it but no matter how hard I try, it's always there, haunting me.