don't commit suicide, please

dead. now what?

I wake up in my room. It is brighter. My black walls are now light gray, almost beige. My desk and wardrobe are white. My black clothes are just like the walls. And my colorful clothes are almost a completely new shade of their color. I put on my usual black jeans, black hoodie and black bandana. I look at the clock. I have some time to kill before school. Yesterday the teachers said we don't need to carry anything except for a few notebooks and that bag is ready.

I walk out of my room and see mom and dad drinking beer slowly. Their eyes are puffy and red, as if they have been crying until now.

"Hey, mom. Hey, dad." I say. No response. I try to touch them, but I phase right through them. "What the?" I look at my hand.

"What?" A voice behind me says. I turn around. It's a guy. He's got brown eyes, brown hair and pale skin.

"What happened?" I ask.

"You killed yourself. Last night." He explains. "You are put in the world, suffering the aftermath of your suicide."

"I want to see my friends."

"You have to wait for it to be time." And he fades.

I turn back to my parents. Just then I realize that they're not drinking from glasses, but instead - straight from the bottles. There are about 10 empty bottles laying beside them. Mom puts down her bottle and starts crying. Dad hugs her and looks at my room door. I turn to it too. The door is now closed and there is a paper on the door. My suicide note. The one I wrote before I took those pills.

I walk back into my room and lay down on my bed. Am I really dead? My parents are mourning me.

I take a deep breath and open Facebook. My friends and my crush have changed their profile pictures to a picture of them with me. They're all heartbroken, that I can tell from their captions. "A beautiful angel flew away last night and reunited with the other angels. I wonder if it could've been prevented. R.I.P. (Y/N). You will be missed. 💔" Is my crush's.

I start crying. In the note I wrote that I believed this was for the better. I guess it wasn't...

The next few hours I continue laying on my bed, looking for a reason to get up. It's so hard when I know everyone's mourning.

"So, do you have questions?" The man appears in my room and sits on my desk chair.

"Many. Why are my parents home?"

"They called their bosses to tell them they'll take some time off to honor you."

"How bad are my friend's conditions?"

"Well, all of them are extremely sad. But the most affected are the boys you hold dear, along with Lucy. Sorry. Held dear." The man says.

"Which boys?"

"Your crush, Samuel. Jordan. Andy and Jake."

"Oh no..."

My alarm beeps. "Time for school. Go." The man fades.

I get to school and see Lucy and my group of girls from my class. They're all wearing black jeans, a black hoodie and a black bandana the way I did. They also have military boots on, something I wore a lot. Their hands are in the pocket of the hoodie and their heads tilted forward. They were honoring me that way... I walk into my first period.

None of my girls can concentrate on Spanish. Most of them started crying.

"Kids, I know. This is tragic, but we need to keep going forward with the material."

Lucy jumps up. "You don't get to say that! You know it's tragic, then let us fucking mourn without paying attention to school!" She is flaming.

"Lucy, sit down, please. You girls were of course closer with (Y/N) than I was, but that doesn't give you the right to not pay attention to class!"

I hear crying outside the classroom. I guess Lucy heard it too because she rushes to the door. I dash behind her.

Jordan is sitting on the ground, curled up in a ball. His body is shaking. He's got a black bandana wrapped around his left wrist, a black hoodie, black jeans and black military boots on. Seems like someone spread the word that if people at school wanted to honor me they had to wear that outfit. Lucy sits down next to him and puts her hand on his back. His head perks up and he looks at her.

"Lucy, right?" She nods. "Why did she have to do that??" He asks and collapses.

"I wish I knew."

"Because my life was screwed." I say. But of course, they can't hear me.

Lucy hugs Jordan and lets him cry his soul out. "I... I liked her... Even though I have a girlfriend... I was happier around (Y/N)..." He weeps.

"I know... it's hard... To accept it... I'm still hoping she comes up to me and just shows she's not dead..." Lucy cries too.

Why did I kill myself? I thought I was freeing my friends and family from a burden, but it turns out I've never been a burden... I've just created a burden by killing myself.

I catch a glimpse of Samuel. He's also wearing the same outfit as Jordan and the girls. What did I do?

Samuel's eyes are puffy and red. He's been crying. He sees Jordan and Lucy and walks over to them and slumps on the ground next to Jordan... And leans on him. And bursts into tears.

I have ruined people's lives... I've ruined the lives of people I wanted to protect... If I could turn back time to the moment I was wondering if it's better I take the pills, I would. And I would tell myself it's not an answer. I would put down the pills. I would rip the note apart. I wouldn't have hurt everyone... But I made my decision... And now they all have to live with my stupid mistakes and the worst question of them all... "Could I have prevented this from happening?"