Kai

Chapter Three

I wake up screaming, covered in sweat. I catch my breath and look at the time. 4:13. I sigh and lay back down. I'm getting nightmares already. I imagined myself being the drunk driver who hit them. The thought of them covered in their own blood, not moving, is enough to make me break down into tears again. I hug my knees against my chest. I know the first stage of grieving is denial and I'm definitely in denial. It doesn't feel like this is really happening, it can't be.

I try to calm myself down by thinking of happy memories. I still remember the day Nick was born. When mom went into labor Jeff started panicking and I had to calm him and my mom down. I was only 9, I shouldn't have been the only calm one. Mom kept screaming and I didn't know why she was in pain but I did everything I could to stop the pain, or at least distract her from it.

After Nick was born they said I was really brave and strong for handling the situation so well. I was so proud of myself. They let me hold Nick and I was so happy to have a little brother. They told me they were scared I'd get jealous or end up constantly fighting with him but that was never the case. Sure we fought like siblings typically do but most of the time we got along. He even got along with Alex, despite all the times she squished his cheeks. I smile at the memories. I'm sad we can't make anymore but I'll cherish the ones we have.

I check the time again and see it's already after 5. I yawn. All that crying really wore me out. I go back to sleep to get a few more hours in.

The next time I wake up it's just after 8. I figure I won't fall back asleep so I don't bother. I'm not hungry so I don't get breakfast, instead I go to the storage room to get the box full of photo albums. I take the box to the living room and sit on the couch taking an album out and flipping through it.

There's a picture of me and Nick on his sixth birthday. We're smearing cake on each other's faces and laughing so hard there are tears in our eyes. The next picture I'm shoving his face in the cake. Then the next one he's on my back, trying to tackle me. Even with a 9 year difference we got along so well, we had so much fun together.

I flip ahead a few pages and see pictures from mothers day, Jeff liked taking pictures of everything so we could look back and relive those days. Nick and I brought mom breakfast in bed that day, she had the biggest smile on her face. In the picture my mom, Nick and I were on the bed, us hugging her sides and her holding the food on her lap. We were all so happy.

I look through more pictures and Jeff walks in looking exhausted. He probably got less sleep than I did. “Hey Kai, what are you doing up so early?”

“Couldn't sleep.” He nods and sits beside me. I point to a picture of me standing on the edge of a boat as if I was in Titanic. “Do you remember that day?”

“Of course I do. You were probably only 14 and Nick was 5. We spent that summer at the cottage. Your mother kept warning you not to stand at the edge of the boat because she thought you'd fall into the water. You kept telling me to go faster but your mom was always so concerned about everything so she wouldn't let us. You and I decided to go out while she was in the cottage with Nick and we went as fast as we could and you stood on the edge the whole time. That's one of my favourite memories.” He smiles with tears streaming down his face and I know I look exactly like he does.

“Yeah, it's one of mine too.” I rest my head on his shoulder while he flips through the photos. We pause to tell stories about the pictures.

After flipping through most of the pictures he says we have to eat. As much as I don't want to I know he's right, I can't stop eating because of this.

We make pancakes like we used to do when I was younger. Jeff and I loved cooking and baking together. I was always closer to him than my real dad, Jeff's always been more of a dad than him. I only knew him for the first 6 years of my life but he was almost never around. Up until Jeff came around it was mostly my mom and I.