THE SUICIDE || A BTS AU

Dreary

drear·y
ˈdrirē/adjectiveadjective: dreary; comparative adjective: drearier; superlative adjective: dreariest. Meaning:  dull, bleak, and lifeless; depressing.

[JIN'S POV]

  On any other time of the week other than Monday, I'm completely fine. Fine as in, I believe that my life isn't a total wreck and I try not to think of the worst things possible. My horrendous mood always ends up falling mostly on Mondays. It isn't because I didn't get enough sleep, and not because it's the start of a long week. Hell, sometimes I don't even think about why I feel that way. All I know is that I doubt myself on those days and that I completely suck. What are you going to do about it, right? I end up going to a therapist sometimes because of my mood-swings, but nothing really seems to help me get past them. I'm stuck. Stuck right where I am now and nowhere else.

...It wasn't always like this though. It only started happening after T-

My thoughts were interrupted by a crack in the pavement that I was walking on, which made me stumble and fall into the wet ground. I cursed and picked myself up onto my knees, where then a hand arose in front of my eyes. I looked up to see who owned it, and to my surprise, it was Namjoon. 

"Are you alright, Hyung...?"

The rich, low tone that I had once known before swept me off of my feet yet again. I took his hand reluctantly. 

"I'm fine. Just a little cut is all." I peered down at my other hand, which was bleeding swiftly onto the sharp cement. 

Just looking at it reminded me of him. He always came over with long sleeved turtlenecks, even in hot weather. I would always ask him why, but he never replied honestly. I already knew the answer, though I didn't want it to be true. I wanted him to reassure me that everything was alright. But it never was. The blank, faded look in his eyes would always give it away. He always stared that way whenever Jimin was around us. The thought and the mention of his name makes me sick. I wonder if he actually meant what he said...

I felt my legs wobble and almost cave in. My head throbbed sorely and my ears started to ring. I tried to look down, but the bile in my stomach glided up to my throat and I choked back vomit. My eyes started to close unwillingly and everything around me was hazy and silhouette like. Luckily, Namjoon wasn't noticing because he looked like he was searching for something in his bag. Probably a bandage or something for my cut.

I looked back down at it. 

The pain inflamed my hand as the smooth blood was surging down it. My head rushed quickly and I broke into a cold sweat. My whole body shook and my stomach churned as I keeled down just in time to feel the throw up eject out of my system and onto the ground. At that point in time I didn't care if my uniform was ruined. I looked at what had just came out of my body and wiped the spit off of my mouth. Namjoon viewed with wide eyes as he rushed over to me.

"What the hell happened?!" he covered his mouth.

"Nothing I'm fine!" I snarled at him. 

I kept staring down instead of looking at his reaction. He didn't respond, just stood there with what I thought had to be a delayed reaction. My lip quivered as we stood in silence on the sidewalk. We must've been at least 15 minutes late by then. 

He took my shredded hand and wrapped some long bandage tape around it. Tears started forming in my eyes as I remembered the sound of his voice. 

"It's nothing! I'm seriously fine hyung, it's nothing that bad!"

"Did he do this to you...?"

"..I need to go to the bathroom. -I'll be back."

"Tae wait!"-

I look at Namjoon as I started to sob uncontrollably. 

I don't know if he knew what had made me yell at him, but he comforted me anyway. 

"Jin, you feeling a bit better? Shh..it's okay." he murmured to me like a pet. I was clutching onto him tightly. I was afraid of losing him too, but I was too emotional to say anything. He had been one of the first friends that Taehyung introduced me to, and the last to know about what had happened to him. He stroked my hair softly with his fingertips and held onto me as well. 

.

.

"Ar-are you okay with sk-skipping school..?" I asked through breathy whimpers.

He didn't respond and just took my hand, walking me back home to tend to me. I don't know why I'm like this on Mondays, but this was the worst I've ever had it. I feel like I'm losing the rest of me that I thought I knew. Though I could have it worse, the feeling of dread, that something was lost and can never be found, that something has shattered and can never be put back together, that some part of a puzzle is missing and there isn't any other that matches it, hung in the air. That day, I found out how collapsed I really was. Though I have Namjoon with me, he still can't fix the unfix-able. Right now, no one can. 

..That's the worst part of this. Dealing with the falling hope that I would ever see you again. The nightmare of waking up with you still not there. The horror of coping with this dreary lifestyle without you.

....Dreary.

That's what I'd use to describe the way I feel on Mondays. 

..Not just Mondays I guess, I would expect to call it "all the time" now.  

.

.

..Tae.

Please come back to me. To us. 

[POINT OF VIEW ENDED.]