Never Break the Chain

Hour 9

Lindsey's fingers mindlessly played with her hair, twirling the blonde strands with his free hand. They laid on their sides facing one another, Stevie propping her head on her hand, their chained hands interlocked with one another's.

    "What does this mean Steph?"

    Stevie shrugged, playing with his fingers. "Why does it have to mean anything?"

   "Because I don't want this to be just us fucking each other."

    "That's what we've always done."

    "It's never been just fucking for me."

   She sighed, falling on her back. Her free hand running over her face. "What do you want from me Lindsey?"

   "I want to be with you."

   "I don't think that's going to happen."

    Lindsey felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach, gritting his teeth. "Why not?"

"We have great sex Linds, that I won't deny. Putting that aside, we don't get along, we're not good for each other."

"What are you scared of?"

"I'm not scared of anything."

"Bullshit." Lindsey swore at her, Stevie's mouth falling open.

"Excuse me?"

"Twenty minutes ago you were telling me you were still in love with me."

"I said I think."

"What's the difference Stevie?"

"There's a huge difference!"

"Well I'm still in love you, and I always have been."

She felt tears burning her eyes, biting them back. "Why would it be different this time? How are you so sure we wouldn't crash and burn?"

"I don't know that." He pulled her back on her side to face him. "But isn't our love worth giving it another try?"

Stevie didn't say anything, tears rolling down her face.

"Angel what's wrong?"

"I hate this." She lifted their chained hands for emphasis. "I hate not being able to leave, I hate that I have to face all of these emotions in front of you."

"That's the only way we'll be able to get past them Stevie."

She gritted her teeth, her eyes burning in to his. "Do you really want to know how I feel?"

Lindsey nodded wordlessly.

"Every time I look at you I'm devastated."

"Stev-"

"Let me talk Lindsey." She waited for his silence, continuing when he nodded his head. "Do you know how hard it is, to see you being a wonderful father to your children, knowing that it should have been me. I was supposed to be the mother of your children, nobody else."

"I know you were Steph, and I wish, God I wish, that that's how it would have turned out. Life had different plans for us."

"After I lost our baby you left me for a woman who could give you what I couldn't."

"Now hold on just a second, I never wanted to leave Stevie, you made me. How do you think I felt? Coming home and finding you getting fucked by your producer on the soundboard."

"I had no other choice Lindsey, I had to hurt you so badly that you would never want to see me again."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"You wanted to be a father, I couldn't make you one, and I knew you wouldn't leave me. It wasn't an ongoing affair Lindsey, It was barely even the one time. I knew how badly you wanted a baby, and I knew you would never forgive me for not giving you one if you stayed."

"You sabotaged our own relationship?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

"What the fuck Stevie!"

"Please don't yell at me."

Lindsey shook his head, twisting and reaching in to the nightstand. She let him jerk her hand around as he rolled a joint; watching as he set the pot on the side table and attempting to get out of bed.

"Come on."

She complied, tears rolling down her eyes as she wrapped the bed sheet around her bare body. He tugged on his boxers, leading her to the private balcony. As soon as he was outside he sparked the joint alive, taking a deep inhale, exhaling it slowly. Stevie sank down on the chair as Lindsey stood at the railing.

   Their chained hands hung limply together in the air, Stevie biting back another set of tears. She couldn't take his silence.

   "Linds?"

   "We could have kept trying Stevie."

    "We would have just been heartbroken and frustrated."
  
    "You don't know that." He turned to face her, shaking his head. "I loved you enough to keep going."

        She couldn't look at him, trying not to break down anymore than she already had. "I know you hate me."

   Lindsey sighed, sinking down on to his knees in front of her. "I could never hate you." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "God knows I've tried."

   "I would hate me."

         He shook his head, draping his free arm around her neck, pulling her in to him as he sat besides her. "I wish you would have told me, we could have made things work Steph."

        Stevie shook her head, sniffling. "You wanted to be a father Lindsey, I couldn't take that away from you."

        She felt his hand gripping the side of her face, making her look up at him. "You are the most selfless person I know."

     "Please understand I never wanted to hurt you Lindsey, I just wanted what was best for you."

   He nodded, pulling her head to his chest so she wouldn't see his own tears. He kissed the top of her head, feeling her crying. "I know that now Steph, I'm not angry baby."

     "I'm so sorry."

    Lindsey held her tighter. "I am too."