Facade

Vacillate

vac·il·late
/ˈvasəˌlāt/

alternate or waver between different opinions or actions; be indecisive.

I had for a time vacillated between teaching and journalism

——

"Your CT Scan shows that a major artery is positioned dangerously close to the tumor." The doctor said.

Jiwon, who accompanied me to the doctor, swallowed really hard and was cletching her jaw at the news.

"... but we could still operate it right? I mean, the tumor could still be removed?" I asked.

"It would be risky. If the artery ruptured while you are being operated, you could bleed to death. I want you to think about this first." The doctor said.

Suddenly, my emotions took the best of me. It was the breaking point. In my mind, I thought I've accepted everything. I thought it was the end of my problems. After the operation I could resume my life but now, it doesn't seem so.

"WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT! BOTH OPTION ENDS UP WITH ME DEAD!" I shouted.

The chair flies backward as I stood up. There's only one thing in my mind, I need to get out of there before I would do something that I would regret.

I stood in the parking lot, with my face rigid, my jaws clamp as I grind my teeth out of sheer anger. Anger I don't know whom should I direct to, but there it was the anger I can't suppressed.

Jiwon approached me. She didn't say a word but just stood there. I was glad she was with me but I keep hoping that she'll say something to make me feel better instead of just being around.

"Is there any options Jiwon?" I said. "I don't want to die."

With those words, tears began to spill from my helpless eyes. "Eonnie... I'll see what I can do but first, I need you to really think about it. Think of what you wanted to do first. This is... this is something you can't just do without reprecussions."

I want to be with Yoongi for a long time. I want to bear children. I want to see them grow up. I want a lot of things. All of them requires time, time that I don't have.

"You're right. Let's go home. I bet you want to spend time with Taehyung."

"Eonnie, I'm not saying for you to delay this. I'm just say—"

"Let's just go home." I smiled.

Taehyung and Yoongi was waiting in our loft. Jiwon avoided talking and so did I. I could see Yoongi's face waiting for me to talk about it but I rather not.

"Eonnie, Jinri and I will be sleeping at their dorm today. If you want me to stay here I could." Jiwon said.

"Go with Taehyung." I said smiling.

I could see Yoongi motioning them to go. "Yoongi. You should come with them. I want... I want to be alone."

After that conversation with the doctor, it becomes a waiting game. I'm just waiting at the result to schedule my operation. If I could schedule the operation. The doctor informed me that they are finding the surgeon that would want to take on my case.