I don't particularly like trips. They are a big source of stress and expenses. Maybe it actually is because my parents love traveling and I have a bad relationship with them, hence my dislike for traveling.
None the less, I recently participated in an exchange with my high-school. My match was a rather friendly and warm human being, and although I wanted to be warm as well, I felt like I was a little cold.
A friend once called me heartless but that is another story.
As I said, I'm not an enthousiast of being put in a small space with people I don't know, much less of living in their house.
Something I discovered in that small amount of time is how vulnerable I actually am. In less than a week I managed to bond with the people in the house and much more with my correspondent. I hadn't realized until I looked into their teary eyes before I said goodbye, but that was probably the last time I would see them ever again. Upon that realization my eyes felt usually hot and a grand unease overwhelmed me. At that moment, I had started crying.
When you are young, you make up stories in your head to explain the things that happen around you. But as I am not a child, I could not find a story to explain why I got so attached to something I wasn't even looking forward too. I like to believe it is because I have high empathy for others, but that could very likely be untrue. So why is it that I feel the need to keep everything they gave me dear? And why do I feel this lump in my throat thinking of everything that I saw and might never see again?
I have not yet been able to find an answer. Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that I have a false conseption of my personality. It is okay to be wrong sometimes. But even if I admit that no one will give me the answer.
Could it be that I actually like traveling? Or was it just my correspondent that made me feel this way?
Self awareness is a rare gift and a difficult task to achieve;writing in here helps me put my thoughts in order, if that could be considered as order.
Thank you for participating in my mind trip.
