"Bill, for last time, I'm sorry," you mumbled. You could barely get the words out. This wasn't something that was going to be easily forgotten.
"Sorry isn't enough," he uttered, his voice laced with bitterness.
"You were texting another man behind my back. I thought were we in an adult, trusting relationship, but apparently not." His nostrils were flaring, his eyebrows furrowed, if looks could kill, you would have died instantly. You wanted to defend yourself, but what really could you say. It was your fault, you were the one with no self-control. You let some lonely nights cloud your judgment. Bill was gone for filming and all you could think about was yourself. "So, you're not even going to talk to me now?"
"I don't know what to say. I've apologized, it's all I have I was wrong." Your voice was barely above a whisper, afraid if you spoke any louder, the rush of tears you'd been holding back would break the damn. The two of you sat across from each other in the living room, your eyes locked the TV, yet you couldn't even begin to comprehend what was going on. All you knew was you couldn't look at him without feeling this burning in your chest.
The sad part was, you thought you'd been sneaky by deleting the texts, never keeping them for more than a few hours. Last night was the first night you'd fallen asleep before you could delete them. Bill came home this morning, to surprise you for the weekend. Apparently, your phone buzzed on the nightstand right when Bill came in. He saw Scott's texting, "Hope you have a good day beautiful :) Think maybe we could meet up soon? I'd love to see you in person. Our conversations are great, but I want to be able to touch you."
You were woken up by Bill hollering curse words. It scared you for more reasons than one. You had never seen him this angry. He was pacing around the room, his fingers tugging at his hair, his lips pursed causing them to appear as a thin line. It took ten minutes for him to speak a word or even look at you. You, however, couldn't take your eyes off of him, watching every move, wondering when he was going to talk. You knew you'd fucked up when Bill yelled at you. He hardly ever yelled, actually you think he'd only a couple of times during the year you'd been together, neither had been at you.
"What...What do you want?" You timidly questioned. You had been rubbing the necklace he'd brought back for you on his first trip back home.
"I don't know," he exasperated. He pushed himself off the chair, walking behind it, tapping his lips. "This isn't a small issue. You were cheating on me."
"We never even met."
"So? You obviously thought there was something wrong because you hid it from me. You never told me you were talking to him. Or the fact he said he wanted to touch you. If I hadn't come home would you have met him? Better yet would you have let him touch you? Do I mean that little to you?"
"NO," you finally broke, not able to hold in your emotions any longer, "I LOVE YOU. BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS GONE. I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT, BUT I CAN'T." Your voice cracked at the end, realizing what you'd just said.
"So...what does that mean?" He was so quiet, you weren't even sure he'd said anything or if you were imagining it.
"I...I....I..." nothing else would come out. The words were caught in your throat. You knew what needed to be said, but you also knew they would hurt both of you. Your heart was saying to stay with Bill even though you were unhappy because he was gone all of the time. However, your brain was telling you it wasn't right for you to stay in a relationship you no longer enjoyed. "I...um guess, I want to break up. I can't handle being away from you months on end. I thought I was stronger and could handle a long distance relationship, but I can't. I need someone who can be here for me. Someone who we can be together every night, have a routine, be stable. I need someone who I can hug and kiss. Bill this has nothing to do with you."
