"Bill, not tonight. I'm not in the mood." An absolute lie, but there was no way you were going to tell him the truth. Bill and you had just had a beautiful baby girl. She was the light of my life, but you still hadn't lost all the weight you gained with her. You had never felt more unattractive. The longer the pregnancy went the lower your self-esteem became. You weren't sure Bill noticed, which you were thankful for. You did your best to hide it from him. He had enough on his plate without you adding the fact of feeling hideous and not wanting him to touch you.
Lately, anytime he had tried anything, you made up what you believed was a plausible excuse. It was becoming more and more difficult to come up with ones that made sense. You just weren't sure how to tell Bill, "sorry I feel ugly and don't want you anywhere near me." He was very understanding, however, you believed even he wouldn't know how to handle his wife feeling unsightly, and there was nothing he could do to make you feel better. When you brushed him off, he never said anything, but you could see it on his face. You hated to see the hurt in his eyes and knowing that you were the cause.
You flipped over facing away so he wouldn't see the tears you'd been fighting for the past several hours. It seemed every time you turned around you were crying for what seemed like no reason. You knew most of it was the hormones, but some of it was just plain old you.
It didn't help that every time you looked at your beautiful baby girl, you felt even more guilty. You loved her with all of my heart. She was the perfect mixture of Bill and you. She was our little Käraste. Thankfully for her, she took after Bill looks. She was the spitting image of Bill. You could already tell she would be his mini-me. The first thing my mom said after she was born was, "She looks like a mini Bill, except for her lips, she has your lips darling."
She did take after me personality wise, even at only a few months old. She was a good baby for the most part, but she could be fussy at times. Although Bill seemed to be magic with her. He could almost always calm her down. Sometimes it appeared he really didn't do anything different than anyone else did. But somehow with him, she would calm down in what seemed like an instant. It made you feel like a terrible mother, you couldn't even take care of your baby. Well, you could take care of her, but couldn't calm her down.
You knew the first few months would be hard, however, you didn't know how difficult. You knew you could handle the baby or the feeling insecure, but not both. It didn't help you were all by yourself most of the time while Bill was filming. You hated feeling as jealous that Bill left the house and wasn't left to take care of the baby. You felt terrible for thinking such things, however, it was hard to not have those feelings. He was out being a marvelous movie star and you were stuck alone just wanting adult conversations.
You sounded deeply ungrateful and conceited. There was nothing you wanted more than to raise a family with Bill. You just wished you had company instead of being alone fourteen hours a day. You shouldn't complain too much because as fussy as she was, you wouldn't want to change it for the world. She was your little Käraste, your darling.
You could hear Bill snoring, music to your ears. It meant that he didn't have to deal with all the bullshit, even if it was only for a few hours. He deserved to not have so much on his plate all the time. He had to worry about his career, the constant invasion of privacy, you and the baby. He earned any time he could get to unwind. You turned over, facing him so you could watch him sleep. He looked peaceful as if nothing in the world was difficult. You resisted the urge to stroke his cheek, not wanting to wake him. You knew that wouldn't end well for either of you. Watching him sleep brought back a memory you'd forgotten about.
——–
Flashback
"Oh YN where are you?" Bill hollered from downstairs.
