'When you are hurt, broken...
You don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it is easier to stay in the dark away from reality.'
Join me on this journey.
Meet new characters, new hotties, broken hearts, new places, new stories...
As I child I used to be quite... joyous. There was not a single day where I wasn't happy. Little me loved to laugh, make jokes, and be the charming one. I saw the best in life. I would say I still do but when something shatters your heart, you think the worst of life. You think everything that happens is a nightmare, you think people are bad and then instead of living you decide just to survive.
Today I wake up with a smile. Pulling the blanket off me I stand up and make my way to get ready. I look at myself in the mirror and I see my long brown hair tied up in a bun. I see those small bags under my eyes. Tiredness is getting to me. Lifting my shirt I look it. My scar.
Softly i trace the scar near my ribs, I bite on my lips as my eyes close shut. My breathing becomes heavy. I pull down my shirt and walk away from the mirror. Not able to bare looking at it. I open up my closet. I search for the leather jacket. I need to be reminded of his smell, I need to feel the presence of him.
I look through my clothes and make a note for myself that I should throw away half of the clothes I have. From the floor i pick up some shirts that have fallen down. God that red shirt needs to be thrown away oh eeh and these mustard pants need to leave this place. What was I thinking when I was buying this? Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I was buying clothes like this. Thank God for leather jackets, black jeans and white sleeveless t-shirts.
I put on Caleb's leather jacket and I smell it again. It doesn't smell like him. Accepting is hard you know? I know that slowly he will be completely gone. His clothes won't smell like him, his name won't be mentioned as often, some day it will be like he never was here. It doesn't scare me, but it terrifies me.
**
Today I will be meeting Tom. This guy has been there for me since before I've even walked. We went through childhood together, puberty, crushes, boy drama and some tough parts in our lives. He is been trying to get close to me and I can't help but feel terrible that I kept pushing him away when I needed him the most.
Tom is gay as you might have guessed. It took him a while to come out. I was so happy for him when he did though. He seemed more cheerful as if he got his freedom and was ready to fly. I was the first person to find out about it. Why am I telling you this? Well it made me feel special. I mean not that I never felt like that, but I love how he trusted me so much you know? That is what I appreciate a lot, the trust and the little things. Tom is an incredible guy and I would never want to change our friendship. He never gave up on me, even at my worsts. I feel bad that I have not been present in his life much lately and there is no excuse for that. My life needs some cleaning to do.
I finished my lesson today and hurried home, but before I left I chit chatted with Sofia. She really is a great person. We talked for a while, hence why I'm late. We lost ourselves in our conversations about school, and medicine. It was great to know that there are people with similar passions as you. Throughout our conversation I realised it was 1 and ran home to meet Tom.
As I was about to open the front door of the apartment building I see the blond haired guy, and all his 5 foot. "Hey shortie!" I run towards him.
He engulfs me in a big bear hug. "Hey tall ass girl"
I groan, "I am not.that.tall! Come on!"
He laughs, "Okay okay! Open the door it's cold" he is only wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and nothing over, no wonder he's cold .
"No Shit Sherlock, you aren't wearing anything over." I point at him.
He rolls his eyes at me, "Just open up!"
I chuckle.
Once we get on my floor and we enter my apartment I prepare to make coffee for both of us.
"Have you forgotten what kind of coffee I drink?" rising an eyebrow he says teasingly.
I slap his shoulder, "No I have not. 2 sugars, 1 teaspoon of black coffee and just a little bit of milk on the top. Am I right? or am I right?" I grin at him as he smiles at me.
"Oh B my darling B you remember me!" He yells out through laughter, and engulfs me in one of his big bear hugs.
"Of course I would Tom." I tell him.
We break our hug so I pour the coffee into to the cups. I hand him his coffee and we both take a seat onto my couch. We sip the coffee together and chat about anything and everything.
His smile disappears, "You've changed, B." he says as he looks down.
I look at him in confusion, "No, I have not. What do you mean?" Secretly I know what he means. I am not who I was before. Perhaps maybe I never will be.
"B, you never smile unless you include those fake smiles you keep giving me, you don't sleep I see it. You stopped telling me what is going with you. B, open up to me. Please. I don't want you to go back there but please open up honey. You cannot just keep it there." he holds my hand and squeezes it.
"I am okay, Tom." Looking up I know he doesn't believe it, honestly neither do I.
"Enough B, you are so far from okay." This triggers something within me and urges me to spill everything, all my feelings, all my thoughts, all the hatred.
"What do you want me to say? huh? That I am so unhappy with my life. I lost my love, my person. Tom he was everything to me. EVERYTHING! My future, my dream guy, my best friend. I love him. It should have been me. I blame myself for all of this every.single. day. He should have been here! Not me! I stand in this apartment and I am thinking 'this was supposed to be ours'. Caleb and I were supposed to live here together but NO. Now he is not here this has no meaning. Nothing has anymore. I want to end it, Tom. This constant pain, this...I don't know. I am lost. What do I do? How do I do it? Tom tell me I am dying inside. Tell me how to smile and how do I deal with the pain. Tell me, tell me please I cannot bare it." By the end my voice is trembling, my body is shaking on its own.I am crying until I feel tired, tired to keep going. Tom stays by my side cradles me and whispers soft words to me.
"It gets better, B." He whispers.
"I don't think it does, Tom. Not from this."
***
Hey guys!
Long time no see.
Sorry about that. I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep going with this book. Now I've decided that I had to start somewhere to get what I want. I really hope I get to finish this book. I will try and updated more often. It's just that I am Year 11 now and school is getting harder unfortunately. I hope you understand. I've planned so much for this book! I hope it ends up being the way I want it to! So hit that vote button if you liked this chapter and please comment!
If you guys want to send me covers or anything like that please message me! I would love to post them here.
A quote of the day: "There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved."-G.S.
I hope you like my new cover.
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