today was not a period. today was a comma, a black line signifying a continuation. my head is full of ghosts and my mouth has been sewn shut and there is nowhere safe to turn.
i need a place to scream.
i am in the shower.
it's january and my bones have frozen so solid that they've shattered.
everything is worse now.
there are shadows everywhere and even when i close my eyes they don't disappear.
i've been taking a shower every night because it's the only place i can let my skin melt off my bones behind locked doors.
i have not been the same since that night.
every time i close my eyes i see him and i feel bad hands where they're not supposed to be i can't escape in my own mind because he's nestled there, pulling my strings, a sick twisted puppet show.
my body is no longer mine and my mind is no longer mine and i want to claw my skin off because there is no quiet anymore there is only bad hands and the smell of burning paper and that basement carpet scratchy endless unforgiving basement carpet i can't get it out of my head i can't forget that
i no longer belong to myself.
he left me stripped down to the bone.
i am not safe, not anywhere.
my eyes have broken again and all i can see when i look at food is the yellow stuffing inside me i can not let myself put it in my mouth i will not put it in my mouth if i put it in my mouth my stitches will burst and all the stuffing will spill out and then where will we be?
when i sit on the bathroom floor, frowning and picking at my threads, i think about you and how hard you worked to glue my eyes back together.
but that's gone now.
i'm so scared and you're not here anymore the sunlight is pale and watery and slides off my skin into my empty bed.
water is rising inside of me and soon i'm going to drown in my own waves.
i don't want to die.
i'm so scared of living.
i wish i could melt away my skin and watch my brains swirl down the drain but instead i'm stuck here shivering with bad memories and eyes that haven't slept in weeks my hands get shakier every day and getting out of bed becomes more and more impossible with each new sun because each new sun just promises another day and every day feels so hard.
everything outside of this shower is hard and it's too much i'm too tired.
i'm so tired.
when i sleep, i dream of better days, when i was filled with sunshine and summer air and your bubbly champagne love.
