bar stool in the basement cracked red leather seats no back on the chair i kept leaning back because i forgot what wasn't there resting my chin in my hands with my elbows propped up on the counter
blue clear bubble sharp the night was blue koolaid and sprite and vodka out of champagne glasses one down another down. furnace on inside my skin warming me up slowly tv fuzz stars popping in my head boom boom pop
i'm on the floor basement carpet it's scratchy but i am a magnet and the floor pulls me down i am vulnerable but i don't know it not yet he crawls over face too close i can't move away too dizzy i don't want to kiss him i'm
lying on the basement carpet when sticky lips reach in basement carpet basement ceiling he's climbing on top of me i can't move my arms to push him off he's on topof me lips on top of me heavy lungs
i can't breathe
and then
he's pushing down on me weight on my ribs lips on my lips stop my arms up too weak to do anything but push at his chest but nothing stops lips vodka basement carpet scratchy
his pants are off
burning paper paper burning wrists locked into the ground with sticky fingers wrapped around them i can't move he takes
my pants off
i can't move hands can't move can't stop him i shake myhead say please say please say please hands sticky hands traveling exploring hot breath in my ear please stop
we are rocking we are on an ocean a boat it's capsizing hot breath faster faster heavy on top please stop please it spins room spins ceiling spins i'm crying can't move pinned down
it stops but not for hours not for years
when it is done i lie on that carpet scratchy basement carpet staring at the ceiling dizzy because he took an ice cream scoop and carved out my insides locked them away in his hands his eyes grey eyes locked eyes sharp eyes proud eyes proud because he's whittled me down to nothing a pathetic nothing nothing i can do
helpless
he disappeared the smell of burning paper i got up i followed it followed the smell dizzy so dizzy not aware what had happened my clock was minutes behind it hadn't caught up so i followed the smell of burning paper i asked if he was okay burning paper basement carpet ceiling boat rocking bad hands
i vomited.
my clock caught up.
lay down on a beanbag shaky fingers so tired shaky fingers tied a knot and then two in my belt before i fell asleep
not even that made me feel safe
