Silence ✯ cad

Chapter 17

Odette's POV

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder - all that absence did for me is make my mind wonder and look for reasons why he wasn't by my side. My heart crumbled and I felt like I had to hide away from the fact that he will come back. It's all over, I was just waiting for leaves to grow on an already dead tree. All of the blossoms were gone, but I still hoped that someday our love would return back to the way it was. I guess my heart would just never learn. If absence made my love grow, my love for him would never die.

The wind blew by a cold breeze onto my skin, pushing all of my hair to the side. I was alone, sitting in the now lonely cave me and Cameron used to call ours. It was still a surprise to me that Joey would have the heart to hide away my whole life. I was sitting on the edge of the cave with my feet hanging down, and I was just simply looking out at the purple sunset. It was not easy for me to understand why shutting people out seemed to be a reasonable answer.

Everything was your fault.

I was the reason Cameron cheated. I was the reason Stella had to sleep around for money. I was the reason Joey left the love of his life. I was the reason every one had to pretend to be alright so I wouldn't go back to my needy state.

Cameron... Cameron was my person. I could call him at 3 am, because I knew he would pick up - I could share all my secrets with him, because I knew he would always keep them. I could forgive him for anything because I knew he always cared about me. He used to be my person, and I knew now. I knew now that sometimes people don't pick up. Sometimes people spill your secrets, and sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness... But there was something different about Cameron. I couldn't stay mad at him.

It wasn't because I loved him too much, or I thought he was 'way too cute' to stay mad at. I couldn't stay mad at him, because I needed him - he helped me so many times, and he pulled me out of the dark. But now, I felt as if I was drowning in it, and he wasn't there to save me. Nobody was.

It had been two weeks since I left and I hadn't answered a single call. After two days of non-stop calls I decided I no longer wanted to put up with the constant need of contact and dropped my phone in the lake. After all, I no longer needed it.

There wasn't one day that passed in which I wouldn't drop to my knees and cry. Weather it was in the stupid field where Cameron and I talked about my parents or outside the shitty gas station that I would buy liquor from and finish the bottles in just a few minutes, only to find myself back inside ready to buy more.

I cried over Kat, the way she was always trying to help me and all I would do was push her away. I cried about Stella, and how she had to give up everything for me. I cried about Cameron, and how much more perfect his life was before I came in and screwed everything about him up. But most of all, I cried about myself ; the person I used to be and lost, and the person in the present with no clue about her future.

I got up grabbing my bag along with my fake ID and the last few dollars I had left. I arrived to the gas station and changed a few dollars into quarters. Putting the coins into the payphone, I dialed Stella's number and waited for her to answer. It rang a few times until she finally answered, obviously irritated that someone called her in the middle of the night.

"Who the fuck is this?"

"It's me, Stella." I spoke softly into the phone.

"Odette? Oh my god, where the fuck are you? Fuck, I'm coming to get you - what the hell were you thinking?" I didn't answer any of the questions she asked me or any of the ones that followed shorty after. All I wanted was to hear her voice, and now that was over so I lowered my hand from my ear and listened to her voice for a few more seconds before hanging up. "Odette? Odette what the fuck are you doing? Please tell me where you are so I can come get you and bring you hom-"

I left the gas station and went for a short walk. The streets were completely empty and I couldn't help but think about the time Cameron and I danced together at one point in those exact streets. Once I reached the park I saw someone sitting on the bench with his hands on his face and arms rested against his knees and as much as I tried to avoid them and walk past, they seemed to notice me and to make things better, it happened to be Cameron.

"Oh my god - Oh my god! Odette! Shit, do you know how worried you made us? We thought you fucking died or something. Come on I - I can drive us home. Where were you? God, it doesn't matter, you're home now." I looked at him with my mouth slightly open because I didn't know what to say, or do.

"N-no." I finally manage to strain out.

"What do you me-"

"Cameron, I - I know what happened before the accident." He looked at me, too shocked to say anything. "I remember what happen between us. A-and I know exactly who I am, and who you are, and who Stella and Joey are. And I don't want to go back."

"You remember everything?" He smiled with a slight hint of relief on his face. "That's great! We can forget everything that happened that day and just star over!"

"Cameron. I can't 'just forget'. You weren't the one that got hit by a fucking  truck the size of a football field. Things happen for a reason. I don't think we should be back together."

"Wh- wait what? Why?" He stuttered out and furrowed his eyebrows looking down on me. I sighed so deep, it reached the depths of hell.

"Because - because maybe we just weren't made to be together, you know? Maybe we weren't supposed to grow up and get married and have kids together. Who knows, this might be the last thing I'll ever get to say to you and then you'll be out of my life forever." I laughed a little but it was painful enough to bring tears to my eyes. "But I do know that meeting you wasn't some big mistake, okay? I know that the fact that my head fits perfectly between your shoulder and chin like the missing peice to a puzzle isn't some crazy coincidence. An - and I know that the butterflies I get when we are driving to school and you lean in just a little closer than normal just to grab something on my side isn't because I'm excited for learning calculus. I - I know that the goose bumps I get when you say my name or laugh that stupid fucking laugh of yours isn't because of the slight breeze outside. And yeah, maybe I don't know much, and maybe you just see me as another stupid girl that fell for the Cameron Dallas, but I am absolutely certain of one thing, and that one thing is that you and I, were fully and helplessly in love with each other. But maybe we just fell for each other at the wrong time."

I looked down, a little too afraid to look at him. When I did I noticed he was looking down as well, his chest quickly rising and falling in an attempt to hold back his tears although they were already falling. I got up on the tips of my toes and kissed him one last time on his cheek before stepping around him and walking down the path I was initially headed on.

You see, I was not a graceful person. I was not not a Sunday morning, or a Friday sunset. I was a Tuesday 2am, I was gunshots muffled by a few city blocks, I was a broken window during February. My bones cracked on a nightly basis. I fall from elegance with a dull thud, and apologize for my awkward sadness. I sometimes believed that I don't belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn't happen. The way light and darkness mix under my skin had become a storm. You couldn't see the lightning, no. But it was easy to hear the echoes of my screams.

I chose to believe that Cameron was the only one who could hear those screams.