Count me in

The pain will subside

Y/N had concealed her emotions. She would just constantly post about Jonghyun. She felt like if she would do that, she could create an illusion that he was still here. Not just for her sake, but for the sake of all those shawols who were in pain too. For the sake of all those shawols who had been holding on because of Jonghyun,but now it seemed like there was no reason to do so. She wasn't in denial, but the illusion she created made her feel like Jonghyun was still here. She had cried for days after she learnt of his death, but at one point, she thought that she was dead inside. She thought that it wouldn't hurt her any more, she thought that the best way to numb the pain, was to shut her feelings out. To pretend that she was fine, to pretend that he was still here.

But, while she pretended, while she shut the rest of the world out, she continued trying to make people smile. She continued to post about Jonghyun because the one thing she feared was that one day, Jonghyun's memory would fade away. That fear kept her going. She wanted to stop her fear from becoming reality, she wanted to stop it from happening so bad, that the pain didn't bother her. She was in a terrible amount of pain, but that didn't matter if she could make others smile, if she could remind them of the beautiful life that our bling bling angel lived. She was willing to let the silent tears fall while she saw pictures and videos of Jonghyun, if it meant that it would make a few other shawols smile.

Every shawol was hurting, for one more light went out, it seemed like the world became dimmer. A star that had been shining on stage was shining in the sky. And as much as Y/N told herself that he was in a better place, as much as she told herself that he was not in pain anymore and that she should be happy for him, she should be happy because he's probably smiling without any pain, without having to go through any struggle. But, that's not how feelings work. You can't just convince yourself to not be sad, you can't just force yourself to be alright. Because there are times, when you aren't completely alright. And it's completely alright to not be alright, but it's not alright be that way for a long time. It's not okay to be that way for a long time, because when you end up pitying yourself too much, at one point, you'll run out of sympathy, out of love for yourself. When that happens, everything will come crashing down.

"I just hope that one day, the pain will subside. I hope that one day, I'll be able to smile without feeling that sting in my heart when I look at Jonghyun's picture. I just hope that one day I'll be able to come to terms with that fact that I won't be able to see him perform live anymore. Because, right now, it just hurts. Everything hurts. The fact that he's gone hurts. I may have never met him, but knowing that there is no hope for me to ever meet him as long as I exist, hurts. Because I know that once I let myself actually face the reality, once I've released myself from this trap that is an illusion that makes it seem like he's still here, I know that once I actually acknowledge my pain, I wouldn't be able to handle myself anymore. Because it wouldn't be as simple as stopping the silent tears that just betray me and fall from eyes anymore, it would be more of a mission to collect the pieces of the broken mess that is my heart. It would be a mission to collect those feelings, that just scatter like cookie crumbles. And I know that I'm not strong enough to handle that. I can't do it alone. I need you Jonghyun. Listening to your songs always helped be before, but knowing that you're gone, it just gives me more pain. What used to make me smile before, has now become the reason for my tears. What should I do, when my cure has become my disease? I've always imagined what it would be like seeing you in person, I knew that all those crazy thoughts I had could never happen in real life, but that never stopped me from thinking about you and trying to cheer myself up by making up some fake scenario in my head. Now that you're gone, I thought I could continue living my life just by imagining that you were still here. Then why is it that it hurts so much? Why is it that something that should be easy to do, something that is so within my control, is actually an impossible task for me now? Anytime I felt lonely,whenever I needed someone to talk to, I thought of you. I talked to you through my thoughts, like someone who'd lost their mind, but it didn't matter then because it always made me feel better. Why is it that it hurts so much when I try to do that now?"

Y/n just sat there as tear drops covered her phone's screen, one after the other. She had read an article about SM releasing Jonghyun's last MV and she didn't realise that something that would have normally excited her, would cause her heart to hurt. She was happy though, she would get to see Jonghyun again. But that didn't change the fact that he was gone, did it? That didn't change the fact that her heart hurt a lot. That didn't change the fact that he wasn't here. She looked at the sky and just said-"It sounds like a cheesy line in some romantic movie, but I know for a fact you're the brightest star out there. You always have been. But, now that you're actually up there, you're  shining bright in the sky, because you're our bling bling angel. Maybe one day, when I look at the sky and see these shining stars, I would be able to smile without any residual feelings of hurt in my heart. Maybe one day when I look up and see these stars and see you shining bright as always, the pain will subside."