Leaving California

Sarah

The funeral was exactly what Sam had predicted: the choir belting out a bunch of Mom's favorite hymns, several of her close friends sharing funny stories and a long eulogy by one of the ladies from her sewing circle.

There were more songs and prayers. Communion and an altar call. Dad blew his nose and wept audibly into his handkerchief. Every so often he would heave out a loud: "AMEN!" or "PRAISE THE LORD!" 

Sam was quiet. He didn't sing along. He didn't pray along. He felt numb and empty. He recognized all the faces even though he didn't remember all the names of the people who were talking about his mom. In many ways, he felt like a stranger.

After the funeral was over, there was a large potluck dinner in the church fellowship hall. Having cried their tears and sung their hearts out, the funeral guests were famished and thirsty. Sam had to admit he was hungry, too. And he couldn't resist church potlucks. The array of casseroles made his mouth water. Baked Ziti. Potato and cheese with cornflake topping. Taco salad. Pasta salad. Fruit salad. Green salad. Bean salad. Every kind of salad. Stuffed shells. Crab legs. Chili and cornbread.

Sam felt like he was gaining weight just looking at all the food. It was enough food to feed an army.

This was what church folks did best: potlucks. 

"Better fill up that plate before all the kids get over here," said a gentle voice behind him.

Sam turned. Sarah.

She was wearing an elegant black dress that fit her neatly at the waist and showed off her shapely hips. It fell to the floor in a waterfall of chiffon. He could tell she'd been crying during the funeral. Her eyes were red and the only makeup that remained was her glossy red lipstick.

"Hey," Sam said. "You look gorgeous."

Sarah shook her head and her dark hair fell about her face. "Thank you," she murmured.

Sam looked at her left hand and to his surprise, saw she didn't wear a wedding ring. Could it be true? Was she really still single?

"So, all these kids you're talking about...any of them yours?"

"Just one. Samantha. We call her Sam. She's ten."

Sam jerked his head back, surprised. He'd asked mainly to confirm she wasn't married. He hadn't expected to hear that she had a kid, much less a kid that had his own name. Sarah was smiling at him and Sam could hardly look away from that beautiful mouth and twinkling eyes.

"You have a daughter," Sam said, slowly. "A daughter who's ten. A daughter who has my name."

Sarah laughed. "She has more than just your name. She has your eyes, too."

Sam's stomach dropped. What was she telling him? 

"I don't think I understand," he said.

"Is it really that hard to figure out?" Sarah asked, still smiling. 

"Are you telling me I have...that Samantha is...that I'm a...?"

"Let's go outside to talk," Sarah said, leading the way across the room.

Sam's heart was pounding. Why hadn't anyone told him? Then again, he'd made sure nobody could contact him. He'd simply disappeared.

Sarah led him out onto the church patio, a pleasant place with a fountain and great big pots overflowing with bright pink bougainveillea blossoms. Sarah sat down at a small outdoor table and motioned for him to sit, too.

"Sam," she began and took his hand in her own. "You've been gone so long. Even your parents didn't know how to contact you. I tried tracking you down. But you did a pretty good job of covering your tracks. Where were you anyway?"

"New York City," Sam said numbly. Sarah's hand was warm and soft. He'd missed holding hands with her.

Sarah nodded. "I understand that you felt you needed to get away. It's just that...well, you didn't give me a chance to tell you that I was pregnant with your child."

"So, Samantha is my...she's my daughter?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes. You have a daughter."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"How could we? You just disappeared. No forwarding address or phone number. You broke up with me and then, poof!, you were gone."

Sam was surprised that she didn't seem angry. She was just stating the facts. 

"I had to get away from all this," Sam said. "I wanted to start my music career." He laughed bitterly. "But that didn't work out."

"I'm sorry, Sam," Sarah said. "I owe you more than one apology. I knew I was pregnant for several weeks. I was too scared to tell you. I'm sorry I didn't."

"You don't owe me any apologies, Sarah. I'm the one who owes YOU an apology. All this time....all this time I had a daughter and I wasn't helping you raise her or support you or anything."

"It hasn't been easy," Sarah admitted. "But my folks were supportive. And so were your folks. It was their grand-daughter, after all. Your mom and Samantha were very close."

"So, my parents knew Samantha was my child?"

Sarah laughed. "Everyone knew! It's not like it was a big mystery. You and I were together for all of highschool and a year after that! When I got pregnant with Samantha, everyone knew it was yours. Whose else would it be?"

"I'm the only one who didn't know."

"Yeah. Maybe if you'd called home once or twice—"

"I was an idiot," Sam said. "The music career was a bust. The truth is that I've wasted ten years. I'm broke and washed up."

"Well, you might be broke but you're not washed up," Sarah said. "At least, not to us."

"Why aren't you angry with me?" Sam asked.

"Oh, I was angry a long time ago," Sarah said. "But it's too hard to stay angry for ten years. I didn't want to waste my life that way. I wanted to give Samantha a good life and it's kinda hard to do that when you're angry all the time."

"I guess I don't know what else to say," Sam said. "Can I meet her?"

"Can I ask a question first? Are you planning on staying? Or are you leaving again? See, I don't want to introduce you to Samantha just so she can watch you leave again. It wouldn't be fair to her."

"I wasn't planning on staying...but that was before you told me all this."

"Doesn't seem like you have some big life to return to in New York City."

"Well, that's true. But I'm not sure I'm ready to return home, either."

Sarah nodded and stared off into the distance. She seemed to be making a decision. Sam watched her, noticing again her beautiful eyes and the way the light fell across her hair. He'd been so stupid to leave her.

"Alright," she said, turning toward him again. "Stay here. I'm going to go get Samantha."