The Recruitment of Seth Norwick [On Hiatus]

Chapter 3

It's suddenly there. I can feel it, dark and sinister, in my bones. Creeping up, trying to overtake me. Trying to get out. I shut my eyes and just try to breathe, calm down and focus. I shouldn't have tried to fight it. I should've gone and hid somewhere to keep it down. Why didn't I?

I hear Casper's voice but it's watery and distant. Some part of me wants him to be quiet. And then it's too quiet. What a strange coincidence. I open one eye and my heart stops.

I quickly unwrap the ropes from his throat and I'm on my feet in a flash. "Casper!" He gasps and takes in a few deep breaths. I'm afraid to touch him in case I do something else unconsciously. I hadn't even realized that I had manipulated the ropes like that. I slowly back away, the headache building.

He coughs and looks at me with worried eyes. "S-Seth?" I hear fear. And confusion. My heart breaks as my hands shake. I wasn't even aware of choking him.

"I-I'm so sorry, I think I need- I mean- I just... I..." I don't even know what I need. What can help me, when I can unconsciously hurt people?

"Your ... are green ... they blue ...?" I don't hear all of it but he sounds fearful yet kind of in awe. I don't really register his words. Why can't I hear him clearly? I'm looking right at him, yet it's all slightly fuzzy. And why do I find his voice slightly irritating, like it's grating on my skin? I clutch my head, feeling the darkness slowly filling me.

I need to get myself out of this situation. "Casper, I-I'm not... I'm not feeling so well right now, I think I need to lie down..."

That was a mistake. He immediately comes around the counter and comes closer. "Seth-"

"Don't come closer!" I shout harshly, regretting the tone. He flinches but gratefully stops. My head pulses and my body feels weak. "I'll be fine, just don't come closer," I add with a softer voice. I slowly walk backwards towards my room, careful not to turn my back on Casper in case I do something unconsciously. I inhale slowly and exhale carefully, trying to fight the pulsing mass of... something. I don't know what to call it.

"Are you sure?" I kind of hear him this time. It sounds like he's talking to me underwater.

"Yeah, I'm fine- or I'll be f-fine," I manage, able to make it into my room. I shut the door and lock it, my breaths becoming more ragged. My knees buckle and I drop to the ground. It feels so draining and I just want to slip into unconsciousness...

I jolt back to myself and quickly look around, scared something might've happened. I can't fall asleep, not when my abilities are acting up. And why am I tired? My usual insomnia seems gone. Is this because my abilities are acting up?

Nothing seems to have changed, except that my bracelets are going crazy. They feel like snakes around my wrist, a mind of their own, and it takes a large portion of my willpower to control them. I just hope that Casper wasn't hurt in that momentary lapse.

I'm appalled by the fact that I was completely unaware of what I was doing to him. I'm terrified of myself. I lean against the door and focus on just breathing. In, then out. In, then out. I'm able to reduce this feeling down, still threatening but less so.

A laugh bubbles up in my throat and then I'm laughing for no reason. Just as quickly, it subsides. What was that? A laughing fit? I've never done that before...

I can feel my breaths begin to get faster but I force myself to breathe slowly. It brings down the darkness. In, then out.

I don't know how it happens but I'm suddenly back in the hallway. It's a little hazy but I'm more oriented. How did I get here...? Wasn't I in my room?

Casper looks up and he gives me a worried smile. "Are you feeling better, Seth? You were in there for a while..."

"Yeah, I think so," I hear myself say, kind of as if someone else said the words. I feel disconnected. Am I hearing things right?

"That's good-" Before he can finish his sentence, I find myself pinning him to the ground by the throat, his hands pulling at mine. He chokes out, "S-Seth-!" before I squeeze harder. Soon, he should be unconscious. A little while longer and then death. He lets out a squeak and I crack a smile. He always makes the most amusing sounds when he's frightened.

Suddenly, I snap out of it and quickly release him, scrambling backwards to the couch and putting a lot of distance between us. "I-I'm so s-sorry, I'm s-so s-sorry," I stammer as my breathing picks up speed. I feel carved out and hollow and weak. The dark is pushing upward again, trying to get out.

I'm completely mortified. Afraid to look at Casper, I look at my hands instead and they quake, blurring before my eyes. I can feel the sweat perspiring between my fingers.

I had wanted to kill him.

I have never felt any fear stronger. Tears make the world spin and my body shakes. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry, I-I'm s-sorry," I repeat desperately, a broken record.

Screw up...
Freak...
You've ruined it...
Great job...
Good boyfriends don't tell a web of lies...
He'll never love you again...
You crazy...
Normal people don't think about murder...
Maybe you should go back to the mental hospital...
Monster...
Twisted crazy...
Selfish...
Good boyfriends don't attempt murder...
You messed up...
Mental...

I can't silence these voices, I can't hide them away anymore, I can't ignore them any longer. They speak the truth. I've been running away from this my whole life. I curl up and I want to die. It hurts. I don't want to live with this in me. I don't deserve life anyway. I hurt Casper. I have these horrible thoughts. I'm a pain. I'm a bother. An inconvenience. A waste of space. Useless. Nothing is right and everything is wrong. I'm dangerous. Insane. Mental. Crazy. Psycho. Why did I miss the first time? Why couldn't I just have ended it?

Everything

hurts.