You go to bed at night but you can't fall sleep. After a point, you start feeling seriously sleepy and you know you need to rest or else you won't be able to function properly the next day, so you try. You try to fall asleep. But then your brain is too overactive and you just can't fall asleep. Finally, you do fall asleep, but then in about an hour you're up again. Once again, you can't sleep. The cycle keeps repeating until it's morning and you probably got about an hour and a half of sleep in the entire night.
The next day you feel extremely exhausted but you keep going because work needs to be done. You just feel so tired. You don't want to move or even think but there's no choice. You drag yourself through each chore and somehow perform every task that requires completion. Finally, it's night again but you can't fall asleep and the whole thing repeats itself.
And everyday you feel more and more exhausted but what can you do? And then there's the headaches crying and irritability which comes free with the lack of sleep. And you're constantly on edge, you feel like just the smallest spark will light you up and you'll finally explode. You even think that the explosion would be better now because this cycle is too tiring. You just want it to stop, even for just a while. You just want it to end. But it doesn't. It goes on and you go on.
Nothing gets easier, everything keeps going worse; occassionally you'll meet someone or talk to someone who makes you feel better. Maybe you'll hear a song or watch you something that suddenly makes you feel unexplainably happy. And you keep holding on hoping that such moments will come, you keep hoping that everything will get better. The hope is what keeps you going. It's tiny, nothing compared to the pain but it's enough. For now, it'll suffice.
Maybe someday, it'll all stop. Maybe someday, you'll sleep for eight hours at a stretch without any nightmares or disturbances. Maybe someday, you'll spend an entire week without crying to yourself in a locked bedroom. Maybe someday, you'll find someone who you're not constantly afraid will leave you, since you've never believed that you're worthy of being loved, someone who you don't think will judge you, someone who you can share your pain with so that you don't have to keep it all inside anymore. Maybe someday it'll all get better. So you keep holding on for "someday" to arrive. It will. You tell yourself that "if it's not happy, it's not the end", the story is still going on. The plot is never happy but the end always is. So you wait for the end because that's all you have - one slim ray of hope in this never-ending darkness. But one ray is enough and for now, it'll suffice.
