A Summer's Dream

Chapter 29~Goodbye

I drummed on the armrest, 40,000 ft. in the air. We passed through a cloud and water droplets slid down my assigned window; I traced one of them with my finger. The other hand was caught in a fist and I’m sure my knuckles were white by now. I knew I was going to regret this later. I just knew it. But there was nothing that could be done. I left, and I’d have to live with the choice I made.

I closed my eyes, seeking relief. But a pair of brown ones seeped through my lids and caught me off guard. My heart panged with ache and hate towards myself. I left him behind. I left, possibly the only person I’ve ever truly loved, back in another country. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and not pity myself. But with each heart beat came another pang of misery and I couldn’t hold back the tears that quickly came.

I pressed end on my phone, everything was arranged. Mom was going to order the tickets for me and I would print them off tomorrow before I left for the airport. I had spent hours, just lying on my bed thinking; pouring myself into every detail of the conversation. Terrence had a future to think of. He needed to concentrate on himself; this was no time for a girl. And even if we did get together, he and I would never make it. Long distance relationships rarely do. Every statistic and reason was against us and I couldn’t put him through that. I had to make a decision for the both of us. So I was going to end it. End everything.

It was all a bit last minute but once I make my mind up to do something, it has to be done. I would never be able to forgive myself if I saw his eyes look at me with so much hurt. I knew I would change my mind in an instant, and that would put us back at square 1. So I did the only thing I knew how to do under stress. I wrote.

My puffy eyes looked over to my nightstand where my notebook was and I snatched it up and began writing in it. The same notebook that I wrote our first conversation in. The same one I scribbled hearts and endless thoughts about the two of us in. The same exact one. In between words I saw tears here and there drop onto the page. My hand was shaky and I had to take my time in order to make a coherent sentence. The words looked scribbly and I prayed he would be able to understand what I was trying to say. What I couldn’t say in person.

He wouldn’t be awake at this hour; even with his sleeping patterns. I predetermined that I would leave it in his room. That way I wouldn’t have to face him and he would still get the message.

I folded up the pieces of paper and collapsed on my bed. I’m sure I looked like a panda who tried to scratch its eyes out, but I didn’t really care at this point. I rolled over on my side and clutched at the pillow desperately, trying to steady my shaking world. It was as if someone had been documenting every encounter, every memory he and I had created and was playing it back in my mind. From when I first saw his big brown eyes until now, the whole thing was pathetic and I didn’t try to not cry. Again. The sun was beginning to peak out over the tops of the trees and I stared at it until I couldn’t see or feel anything.

I must have fallen asleep because someone’s elbow dug into my side; probably by accident. I was surprised at the patience I had throughout this entire flight; but that was probably because I didn’t have the strength to argue.

Everything was tried. Reading, listening to music, even writing about the massive outbreak of smallpox with the Native Americans. But nothing worked. I couldn’t get this whole ordeal out of my mind. Exhaustion consumed me and I put up no resistance when the flight attendant told me to put my meal tray up so we could land. I doubt they would have confiscated my things and held us all hostages until I obeyed, but just to be on the safe side I grabbed my notebook off of it and clipped it in place.